No Crystal Balls

   

Stepping from my car I was suddenly and acutely aware of the drop in temperature and the change in the wind's direction. I hurried my pace toward the now familiar farmhouse. Had it not been broad daylight the howling wind overhead in the red hackberry tree would have scared the dickens out of me.

"Poor little daffodils," I thought.  March in Oklahoma is such a Spring teaser. They'd once again been coaxed from the soil with warm sunlight just days ago and now they'd be lucky to survive.  Seems so unfair.

Once inside, mixed emotions pulsated through my mind.  Of course, I was glad to visit him, to see him.  He was one of my favorites. But not seeing him hurt like this. The dear Lord knows I never get used to this.

Sometimes we do "small talk". You know, talk 'bout the weather or such.  I try to take my cues from him. Today, he wasted no words.

"Now look here, Becki. You've been at this kind of work a few years," he said with a new seriousness.

"You see the shape I'm in. Can you give me an educated guess on how long I got?"

I threw my stethoscope in my nurse's bag.  I pulled the wooded antique chair up close to his bedside and took a deep breath.

"I guess because of what I've witnessed over the past 9 years I've learned educated guesses on "how long?" aren't worth too much, Carl. I've seen patients who I thought sure would be gone in a few days, live weeks longer; and some I thought would last months, suddenly go.  I believe it's all in the good Lord's hands and the disease process. We don't seem to be any good at calculating exact timing.

He squinted his eyes and very seriously replied, "Let's leave the good Lord out of this a minute and just tell me plain and simple how long I got. Or are you afraid of removing any hope I might have left?"

"Even the faintest of hope is worth something," I whispered. I simply had no crystal ball and I wasn't about to pretend I did.

"Why sure," he answered as he stood, heading for the dining room table. "We'll just take 'er a day at a time.  I understand what you're telling me.  If the good Lord sees fit for us to go through something like this...well, then..well, it's been like that since the beginning of time.  Sometimes people suffer. That just all there is to it.  I't just the way life is sometimes. Thanks for coming to see me today. You come back now before the week is over, you hear?"

The north wind nearly carried me from the back screen door to my car.  I was too frustrated to cry, so released it in a prayer.

"Please, please God, help us with what we can't fully understand on this earth to trust You with all that seems so very unfair and to remember You are always with us in all seasons of life."

Waiting Room Guest

It's not like I feel I'm in a foreign environment in a hospital.  I know the lay of the land.  I'm in a waiting area and observing. There is enough right before me to fill a lengthy prayer list.  Observing human behavior has always been one of my interests.
Some walk through those front doors like they own the place and others would give anything to be anywhere else.  There are those who would rather not sit next to anyone while waiting. Body language tells many stories.

I can see one dear soul as she gently sits in the chair balancing herself while not using either hand to lower herself in the chair. She is very pale and appears also very weary. We are all in this area waiting for directions, one by one, to move to another area for personal information to be recorded by the hospital before being seen.

At one point an employee is standing behind me calling out a name. I can see this woman I've previously described trying to edge her way to the end of her seat to try to stand. The employee gets louder calling out the name. The woman in the chair is weakly speaking, "I'm here."

Again the employee calls out the name. I turn to the employee and say, "She's right there." As I'm pointing to her.   "She's trying to get out of her chair."

The employee kindly asks, "May I get you a wheelchair?" The woman declined, was able to stand and slowly walk to the woman calling out to her.  She turned to me and whispered, "Thank you, I cannot use my arms to get out of a chair. I had a shoulder replacement and it became infected and they had to do another surgery and then my other shoulder as well."

I smiled at her and said, "I'm so sorry. I'll send up some prayers for you." She nodded in appreciation and slowly went her way. I sat there for a few moments and gave thanks for my healthy joints. And then asked for healing for her and peace to fill her as well.

The remaining crowd stared at me with different expressions.  I turned to my iPhone to check for messages. I tried to isolate myself a little.

You see, I'm an empath. And what that means is I feel another's fear, their anger, their passion, their love, their anxiety when I'm in close approximation to them. It can be a gift and it can be uncomfortable at times. Being a hospice nurse years ago was a challenge.  I would carry so much home with me and often sit in the shower on the floor of the shower as the warm water mingled with my tears. It took me awhile to learn how to be present and not take it all home with me.

We are all, at one time or another, standing with, sitting with, listening over the phone with, our friends or family or someone we remotely know reaching out to us for: a shoulder, an ear, some  comforting words. Years with others as patients or family or loved ones has taught me to be present and not try to "fix it". But instead to truly listen without formulating a reply before they even finish saying what they want me to truly hear. And sometimes they don't want a reply. They want me to just be still and really listen.

That waiting room was so full of so many emotions: fear, anxiety, happiness, joy, ....and I truly believe that waiting room was also full of angels.

Cleaning Closets

Something I found out while visiting patients and loved ones in my own family was that, at a point, they remove their masks, if they've been wearing one. They were less interested in putting on a face with a huge smile if they didn't feel like it.  Or if they were frightened they became less interested in trying to hide that from me as well. They became more 'real' with me without concern if I would still care about them or think less of them. The honesty was tangible, bold but not brassy.

Fred wasn't different in this respect.  As he was drawing nearer to his "passing over" (his words), he would attempt to sit up straighter in his hospital bed and command my attention.

"Say Becki, while you are working on my tired ole flesh I want to ask you something."

"Sure Fred, what's up?" I asked while trying to gently assess his 'wearing thin' skin.  I glanced his direction to see his expression. Smiling, but also with a note of seriousness, he continued, "Well, I was wondering if you ever woke up in the morning and felt bad about anything you did the day before that you wished you hadn't done.

"You know like, 'I wish I hadn't eaten those last three pieces of chocolate cake before bedtime. Or I wish I hadn't said that stupid remark to my sister when she asked me if I wanted to try some of her homemade soup with both of us knowing she can't cook!"

"Or 'I wish I could undo some of the pain I caused others in my lifetime...?"

I stopped what I was doing. I sat down next to his bed on the little gingham covered rocker his sister had put there for visitors.  Then I took one of his frail, thin hands and held it.

"Fred, there is a boatload of regrets I've spoken many mornings in my life."

"Well, Becki, it's just that lying here in this bed there are some nights I try to tell God I'm sorry. I wouldn't know how to find all the people I've offended in one way or another. But last night was a little different," he said.

"I went to sleep and I dreamed a dream that was as real as us talking right here and now.  I was asking Jesus to forgive me and then there he was.

"He said that he'd heard me and that he was aware of me saying I had so many skeletons in my closet, it must resemble a graveyard. He said, 'Fred, come look. I cleaned your closet.  You can rest now. Go back to sleep.'"What do you think about that?" he asked while looking at me with genuine concern.

"Dear Fred, I think that's the best dream anyone could ever have. Do you feel better about all those skeletons being gone?"

"I don't know if it was just a dream or one of them visions people talk about. Not sure if it's due to my cancer spreading or my pain medicine. But what I do know is that I'm not worried anymore. And between now and "then" I'm going to try not to put any more skeletons back in that closet. Hopefully my sister won't offer me anymore of her soup?"

Hanging on to an old grudge?
Nursing a resentment?
Still mad about something that happened 30 years ago?
Sorry about what you said while in a state of anger?
I have had all of these thoughts and feelings!
Advice from Fred: Give it to God!

Tell Me Something

"Tell me something", she said as she repositioned herself in her red and cream colored platform rocker

"Tell you something? What are you saying?" I asked her as I scooted the padded footstool closer to  her and sat where I felt I could hear her better and observe her facial expressions clearer and noticed the faint scent of Coco Chanel which made me smile. It was the scent of my Mother's favorite perfume.

"Well", she continued, "I already know you are a nurse, a Mother, and a Grandmother but I want to know you more. If we are going to do this death thing together I'd like for us to become better acquainted."

"Hmmm? OK. I love books and thoroughly enjoy reading. I am passionate about Mother Earth and the sky, the heavens, sunrises and sunsets and clouds and stars.  And I adore animals.  We have 2 rescue dogs at present.

I'm a vegetarian but occasionally I eat some fish, usually salmon. I love flowers and bushes that bloom in the Spring. I talk to everything: my houseplants, bugs, stars, the moon, trees (and occasionally hug them), rocks with a huge love affair with the big red rocks in Sedona, AZ.

I guess I just believe everything is alive. I collect feathers find on my walks by the lake. Is this enough info?"

"No, keep talking."

"I like music from the 40's, 50's, and 60's.  I enjoy watching old movies. I have a wild sense of humor. I don't like beets.

My heart is huge! I'm not ever going to win a cooking contest. And I can ignore dust for days!
I'm a people watcher everywhere I go: airports, restaurants, grocery stores, malls.

Because of some of my experiences with a few of my patients and some of my family members, I enjoy reading about Near Death Experiences. Jesus is my favorite Deity and I usually have an ongoing conversation with Him all day. I like where He said in Scripture that all the commandments and all the prophets books come down to this: Love God, Love One Another. I respect all religions and the gift of Religious Liberty. I'm also very fond of Mother Mary and angels.

I cherish my alone time and but I also love spending time with patients like you. Is that enough info?"

"Yes, for today."

She smiled and patted my hands.  The essence of her suddenly filled my heart. Her natural curly snow
white hair was combed to perfection and her crystal blue eyes and pale pink complexion revealed a lasting beauty her disease had not altered.

" Tomorrow, if I feel like it, I will tell you something about me. You know, Becki, everyone has a story in them.  But some people are too busy to listen.  I like you. You seem to have learned to love yourself, your authentic self. I'm tired. Come back tomorrow after lunch. Don't let my cat our when you open the door."

A DESIRABLE WOMAN

Several years ago a young man approached me at a social function.  He was new in our community. He said, "Mrs. Hawkins, where would be the best place to socialize to meet a nice young lady?"

I couldn't help but smile. He was serious and I felt honored he thought I might know. So I asked him, "Define 'nice young lady' for me."

"Oh, well, someone who is educated, enjoys her career, and enjoys an active lifestyle perhaps a jogger or a bicyclist or prefers yoga, also with a great sense of humor....that kind of nice young lady."

"I think you have answered your question. I'd join the local gym and the yoga class. And I think I'd see if there a young professionals group that meets on a regular basis. If you are also interested in someone kind as well I'd volunteer for a local service organization. Examples might be: the local animal rescue groups, an after school program helping students, the area ministry center that gives food and clothing and shoes, etc. to those in need, a church/synagogue/meditation of your choice."

"Does that help any?"

"Yes, I think so. I'm not too crazy about those online dating sites. My Dad met my Mom in high school and my grandparents met as neighbors when they were young. I'd like to find a woman that has a really kindhearted spirit and is drop dead gorgeous and is educated and loves her career and likes animals and is sensible about finances and .... Well, I appreciate you listening. My Mom says that woman is out there and I'll find her at the right place and the right time and I'll know without a doubt she's the one."

I was smiling again. "I imagine your Mom is right. Just focus on being you and doing what you enjoy in your career and in your leisure time."

I walked over to my husband who was finishing up a conversation with an old friend. When he turned to look at me I said, "Hello handsome!"

Forty Eight years this anniversary year was flashing memory after memory from the first time we met when we were at our lockers in High School 1968.  The guy I was "going with" at the time had a locker right next to my future husband.  This other guy said, "You know, I've changed my mind about going to the Sadie Hawkins's Dance with you Saturday night. In fact I don't think I want to go steady anymore."

Then he shut his locker and walked away. My future husband was standing there looking at me and said, "Hey, I'll take you to the dance." And that he did! He didn't even know me and yet was that kind to 'rescue' a shocked 16 year old.

I wasn't feeling very desirable in those moments that day. But sometimes I think The Design weaves and creates a little magic when we least expect it. To this day I still get excited when he says my name.

PRICELESS!!

It was over 30 years ago I found myself working in an outpatient oncology unit. Bill was spending the day with us to receive three units of blood due to his extremely low red blood cell count.

As the day wore on the chemotherapy patients had come and gone, and then we were alone.  Charting and stocking completed, I sat at his bedside.

He certainly didn't look to be 84 years old.  I was thinking he was in his late 60's perhaps.  There wasn't any sign of mental dullness and he was always chatting about current events and world news when he visited us.

His memory was quick and he demonstrated a really healthy sense of humor and his well of wisdom ran deep.
"Say, this hasn't been too bad today," he spoke with pleasure.

"Good! I bet you will have more energy this evening,"  I answered while removing his IV and putting a bandage on the insertion site.

"You know, they tell me, my hometown doctor, that I got a tumor inside me that is growing," he began again while folding his tanned weathered hands behind his head and gazing at the ceiling.  I sensed a familiar cue and got comfortable.

"Yeah, they want to operate and cut it out, but Doc Hill says it's not a sure cure.  It just might buy me some more time.  I told him that I appreciated the fact he wanted to help out but I said, "No thanks".

"I think he meant well and I think my kids were hoping I'd go for it.  But I've learned a thing or two in my days.  None of us are going to live forever. We are here, body and soul, for a spell and then we go back home.  My body has served me well and now age is just catching up with the evidence: hardening of my arteries, dim eyesight, slower moves, aching bones and my hearing is getting ornery as well. Thank God I still have my mind and a sense of humor.  You got to be able to laugh at yourself as you age, Nurse!"

"My wife passed over 15 years ago.  My favorite cow dog has gone on as well.  And yes, I believe animals get to go to Heaven too! I'm sharp enough to know this is my decision and no one else's.  I just hate disappointing my kids and grandkids.  I'm thinking of sitting down with them this weekend and explaining how I feel. What do you think?"

"I think that is a great idea!" I answered while patting his hand.

"Well I'm still here for a reason and the good Lord will call me when it's proper time. My Mother use to tell me that we have to trust Him.  She spoke of a blind faith.  She wasn't fearful about anything.  She said that when we live in fear, we aren't living anymore.  I want to visit with all of my family about that.  I was so busy being a rancher and a farmer I think I left too much unsaid.  I treasure what my Mother taught me.  I need to share some of that wisdom.

"Well, let's get out of here Nurse Becki.  It'll be getting dark before I get home and Rusty, my new dog, thinks he needs to be in his bed by the fireplace by dusk.  I'll see you next time.  Thanks for listening."

And with his goodbye he slowly shuffled off to the creaking elevator.  I never saw him again.  He decided not to continue the blood transfusions.

I remember hoping his family accepted his choice and lovingly attended to him the rest of his days.  And that someone took Rusty home with them when the time arrived.

His chat made me remember some of my time with my Grandparents and how they were always telling me stories of their youth and early married life with weavings of faith, hope, tears, trials and abundant love.  I wouldn't trade those chats for anything! Priceless!

This is a crazy time in history it seems where people text or twitter instead of sitting down with one another and having face to face conversations.  I appreciate looking into someone's eyes when they are talking to me, watching their body language, while I nod or smile or look surprised at what they are sharing.  If your parents and grandparents are still living, please let me encourage you to go visit them face to face as often as you can and invite them to tell you some of their early memories! Priceless!!

Casting Stones

We were sitting in a coffee shop discussing how quickly life goes by. My young friend was talking about all she hoped to accomplish in her journey here on Earth. She didn't really want anything but for someone to hear her. She was saying she wasn't comfortable in her own skin. She wanted to move up in the company where she was employed, increase her income, get back a smaller size in her clothes, and then she stopped talking as another woman about her age walked past us to order her coffee.

My friend leaned closer to my direction and whispered, "I heard Cathy is behaving in inappropriate ways in public recently. She has had outbursts of anger and said some pretty strange words to total strangers in a parking lot! I heard her husband is horrified. Can you believe that?!"

I took a deep breath and smiled. The woman whom she was referring to exited the coffee shop with her latte. My friend gave me a look of suspicion. "What are you smiling about?"

I sat my cup down and pulled my chair closer. "We don't know what all is going on in her heart. Maybe she's fighting hormone imbalance, or her marriage isn't perfect, or her Mom's health is failing, or she's having financial woes... We don't know. We can't judge her. Or anyone as far as that goes.

My friend sat up straight and with wide open eyes looked at me and answered, "Why are you defending her?"

I smiled again with my reply. "Who are we to cast stones? What if instead we just quietly in our own prayer closets bring her name to God and Jesus and Mother Mary and her angels and her family that has crossed over and request that she may know peace and answers in her time of turmoil or heartache?"

"But you aren't Catholic! Why bring Mother Mary into this?" My surprised young friend said.

"Well, neither is Mother Mary! And she hangs out with Jesus on a regular basis! Its not about being Catholic, or Baptist, or Jewish or whatever your religion is! It's about praying for someone instead of talking about them or judging them.

I gently placed one of my age spotted, wrinkled hands upon her young hand while leaning in even closer and whispered, "Because I am one who formerly had stones aimed at me and I formerly threw them myself at others."

"Our duty is to pray for one another and use our stones to build a rock garden. No one knows another's heart or story like God does. We Are beautiful souls here living in these temporary bodies experiencing Life. As one of my patients'  family members told me, "Becki, this is Earth School. Pay attention to the lessons before you and learn. And bathe every soul in your path with as much Love and Light as you can. Because one day in your Life Review you will know the effects of it all in everyone you smiled at, helped to cross the street, held open the door for, bought their supper, forgave their anger towards you, held their hand as that last breath was exhaled....and the same too if we wounded anyone with a frown, a discouraging look, an ignorance, ....."

I think I remember reading, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone." I'm thinking we can build many very nice rock gardens!

My friend patted my hand and quietly said, "Ok! Now I need to rethink my day! And you are crazy and I love you!!"