PARTING GIFTS

This week my two sisters, our Dad and his lovely wife, Mary Ann, our Dad's twin brother, dear uncle Red and his amazing wife, Aunt Chris and myself (a round table full of us) met at Cracker Barrel in Tulsa in honor of my brother's birthday, November 21, 1956.  He transitioned, as I like to say, back to Heaven on June 23, 2009.

We brought favorite photos, shared stories, laughed, sighed and just truly enjoyed one another's presence.  It felt good these 4 years later to be OK about doing this.  Yes, of course, we still miss him and we are truly sorry he is not physically at the table with us because he loved all of us dearly and had great stories to tell!  But it's not as painful to pull out the memories now.

When grief is fresh, as I know it is for many of you right now, you are just trying to get from one day to the next, never knowing for sure when a sudden outburst of tears will spring upon you.  And pushing it down doesn't make it go away! It will surface! I remember there were days I wasn't sure about going to the grocery store or the post office for fear I'd see or hear something that would drop me to my knees.  Not pretty!!

But this week we were able to bravely join one another and remember.  My little sister, Cindy, had this idea!! Bless her!!

Writing has been therapy for me for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes when we were in the outpatient oncology unit waiting for lab work, waiting for the doctor, waiting for the chemo infusion or in the hospital with a whole 'nother realm of waiting for things...I would write in my spiral notebook journal.  I can't explain scientifically how it helped, but it did.

Even in my head it felt like there were scraps of mental notes, pieces of paper fluttering around and then landing, sticking upon the blood brain barrier.  I couldn't gather them, sort them yet.  I left them there for later.

I read, "God remains with us in these dark places and valleys, even when we feel out of control, lost, and angry." Robert J. Miller, Grief Quest  That was good to know and be reminded!

When I was able to write my book, Transitions: A Nurse's Education About Life and Death, in August of 2011, I dedicated the final chapter to those memories.  It's titled, My Brother's Keeper.  And yes, as I sat there typing away there were moments of slinging snot and tears as I unfurled the pent up mental notes. More than once I'd get up from that spot and usher myself to a secluded hallway and breathe that spiritual Sedona air, call upon my angels, then head back in there and start typing again.  I am thankful I did journal those days and nights in 2008 and 2009!!

So, I just want to tell you that wherever you are in your journey: new marriage, unwanted divorce, surprise twins, unwelcome early retirement,  The diagnosis, potty-training a puppy....journal!! I promise it helps as you write and it will bless you deep down when you read it years later.

I know without a hint of a doubt that God/Spirit/All That Is, my angels, Jesus, many others were with me in those sometimes very long days and nights with my brother....and with many others over the past 30 years as I sat at their bedsides too.

I continue to believe we are NOT ALONE wherever we are in our Journey. So, to all of you who are facing your first holidays without someone you love, I wrap my virtual arms around you and hold you in my heart and pray you Know you are not alone.  I pray you truly feel the Presence of Love sweep across your soul reminding you how very precious you truly are on so many levels!

Love and Peace
Becki