Several years ago a young man approached me at a social function. He was new in our community. He said, "Mrs. Hawkins, where would be the best place to socialize to meet a nice young lady?"
I couldn't help but smile. He was serious and I felt honored he thought I might know. So I asked him, "Define 'nice young lady' for me."
"Oh, well, someone who is educated, enjoys her career, and enjoys an active lifestyle perhaps a jogger or a bicyclist or prefers yoga, also with a great sense of humor....that kind of nice young lady."
"I think you have answered your question. I'd join the local gym and the yoga class. And I think I'd see if there a young professionals group that meets on a regular basis. If you are also interested in someone kind as well I'd volunteer for a local service organization. Examples might be: the local animal rescue groups, an after school program helping students, the area ministry center that gives food and clothing and shoes, etc. to those in need, a church/synagogue/meditation of your choice."
"Does that help any?"
"Yes, I think so. I'm not too crazy about those online dating sites. My Dad met my Mom in high school and my grandparents met as neighbors when they were young. I'd like to find a woman that has a really kindhearted spirit and is drop dead gorgeous and is educated and loves her career and likes animals and is sensible about finances and .... Well, I appreciate you listening. My Mom says that woman is out there and I'll find her at the right place and the right time and I'll know without a doubt she's the one."
I was smiling again. "I imagine your Mom is right. Just focus on being you and doing what you enjoy in your career and in your leisure time."
I walked over to my husband who was finishing up a conversation with an old friend. When he turned to look at me I said, "Hello handsome!"
Forty Eight years this anniversary year was flashing memory after memory from the first time we met when we were at our lockers in High School 1968. The guy I was "going with" at the time had a locker right next to my future husband. This other guy said, "You know, I've changed my mind about going to the Sadie Hawkins's Dance with you Saturday night. In fact I don't think I want to go steady anymore."
Then he shut his locker and walked away. My future husband was standing there looking at me and said, "Hey, I'll take you to the dance." And that he did! He didn't even know me and yet was that kind to 'rescue' a shocked 16 year old.
I wasn't feeling very desirable in those moments that day. But sometimes I think The Design weaves and creates a little magic when we least expect it. To this day I still get excited when he says my name.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
PRICELESS!!
It was over 30 years ago I found myself working in an outpatient oncology unit. Bill was spending the day with us to receive three units of blood due to his extremely low red blood cell count.
As the day wore on the chemotherapy patients had come and gone, and then we were alone. Charting and stocking completed, I sat at his bedside.
He certainly didn't look to be 84 years old. I was thinking he was in his late 60's perhaps. There wasn't any sign of mental dullness and he was always chatting about current events and world news when he visited us.
His memory was quick and he demonstrated a really healthy sense of humor and his well of wisdom ran deep.
"Say, this hasn't been too bad today," he spoke with pleasure.
"Good! I bet you will have more energy this evening," I answered while removing his IV and putting a bandage on the insertion site.
"You know, they tell me, my hometown doctor, that I got a tumor inside me that is growing," he began again while folding his tanned weathered hands behind his head and gazing at the ceiling. I sensed a familiar cue and got comfortable.
"Yeah, they want to operate and cut it out, but Doc Hill says it's not a sure cure. It just might buy me some more time. I told him that I appreciated the fact he wanted to help out but I said, "No thanks".
"I think he meant well and I think my kids were hoping I'd go for it. But I've learned a thing or two in my days. None of us are going to live forever. We are here, body and soul, for a spell and then we go back home. My body has served me well and now age is just catching up with the evidence: hardening of my arteries, dim eyesight, slower moves, aching bones and my hearing is getting ornery as well. Thank God I still have my mind and a sense of humor. You got to be able to laugh at yourself as you age, Nurse!"
"My wife passed over 15 years ago. My favorite cow dog has gone on as well. And yes, I believe animals get to go to Heaven too! I'm sharp enough to know this is my decision and no one else's. I just hate disappointing my kids and grandkids. I'm thinking of sitting down with them this weekend and explaining how I feel. What do you think?"
"I think that is a great idea!" I answered while patting his hand.
"Well I'm still here for a reason and the good Lord will call me when it's proper time. My Mother use to tell me that we have to trust Him. She spoke of a blind faith. She wasn't fearful about anything. She said that when we live in fear, we aren't living anymore. I want to visit with all of my family about that. I was so busy being a rancher and a farmer I think I left too much unsaid. I treasure what my Mother taught me. I need to share some of that wisdom.
"Well, let's get out of here Nurse Becki. It'll be getting dark before I get home and Rusty, my new dog, thinks he needs to be in his bed by the fireplace by dusk. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening."
And with his goodbye he slowly shuffled off to the creaking elevator. I never saw him again. He decided not to continue the blood transfusions.
I remember hoping his family accepted his choice and lovingly attended to him the rest of his days. And that someone took Rusty home with them when the time arrived.
His chat made me remember some of my time with my Grandparents and how they were always telling me stories of their youth and early married life with weavings of faith, hope, tears, trials and abundant love. I wouldn't trade those chats for anything! Priceless!
This is a crazy time in history it seems where people text or twitter instead of sitting down with one another and having face to face conversations. I appreciate looking into someone's eyes when they are talking to me, watching their body language, while I nod or smile or look surprised at what they are sharing. If your parents and grandparents are still living, please let me encourage you to go visit them face to face as often as you can and invite them to tell you some of their early memories! Priceless!!
As the day wore on the chemotherapy patients had come and gone, and then we were alone. Charting and stocking completed, I sat at his bedside.
He certainly didn't look to be 84 years old. I was thinking he was in his late 60's perhaps. There wasn't any sign of mental dullness and he was always chatting about current events and world news when he visited us.
His memory was quick and he demonstrated a really healthy sense of humor and his well of wisdom ran deep.
"Say, this hasn't been too bad today," he spoke with pleasure.
"Good! I bet you will have more energy this evening," I answered while removing his IV and putting a bandage on the insertion site.
"You know, they tell me, my hometown doctor, that I got a tumor inside me that is growing," he began again while folding his tanned weathered hands behind his head and gazing at the ceiling. I sensed a familiar cue and got comfortable.
"Yeah, they want to operate and cut it out, but Doc Hill says it's not a sure cure. It just might buy me some more time. I told him that I appreciated the fact he wanted to help out but I said, "No thanks".
"I think he meant well and I think my kids were hoping I'd go for it. But I've learned a thing or two in my days. None of us are going to live forever. We are here, body and soul, for a spell and then we go back home. My body has served me well and now age is just catching up with the evidence: hardening of my arteries, dim eyesight, slower moves, aching bones and my hearing is getting ornery as well. Thank God I still have my mind and a sense of humor. You got to be able to laugh at yourself as you age, Nurse!"
"My wife passed over 15 years ago. My favorite cow dog has gone on as well. And yes, I believe animals get to go to Heaven too! I'm sharp enough to know this is my decision and no one else's. I just hate disappointing my kids and grandkids. I'm thinking of sitting down with them this weekend and explaining how I feel. What do you think?"
"I think that is a great idea!" I answered while patting his hand.
"Well I'm still here for a reason and the good Lord will call me when it's proper time. My Mother use to tell me that we have to trust Him. She spoke of a blind faith. She wasn't fearful about anything. She said that when we live in fear, we aren't living anymore. I want to visit with all of my family about that. I was so busy being a rancher and a farmer I think I left too much unsaid. I treasure what my Mother taught me. I need to share some of that wisdom.
"Well, let's get out of here Nurse Becki. It'll be getting dark before I get home and Rusty, my new dog, thinks he needs to be in his bed by the fireplace by dusk. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening."
And with his goodbye he slowly shuffled off to the creaking elevator. I never saw him again. He decided not to continue the blood transfusions.
I remember hoping his family accepted his choice and lovingly attended to him the rest of his days. And that someone took Rusty home with them when the time arrived.
His chat made me remember some of my time with my Grandparents and how they were always telling me stories of their youth and early married life with weavings of faith, hope, tears, trials and abundant love. I wouldn't trade those chats for anything! Priceless!
This is a crazy time in history it seems where people text or twitter instead of sitting down with one another and having face to face conversations. I appreciate looking into someone's eyes when they are talking to me, watching their body language, while I nod or smile or look surprised at what they are sharing. If your parents and grandparents are still living, please let me encourage you to go visit them face to face as often as you can and invite them to tell you some of their early memories! Priceless!!
Friday, January 13, 2017
Casting Stones
We were sitting in a coffee shop discussing how quickly life goes by. My young friend was talking about all she hoped to accomplish in her journey here on Earth. She didn't really want anything but for someone to hear her. She was saying she wasn't comfortable in her own skin. She wanted to move up in the company where she was employed, increase her income, get back a smaller size in her clothes, and then she stopped talking as another woman about her age walked past us to order her coffee.
My friend leaned closer to my direction and whispered, "I heard Cathy is behaving in inappropriate ways in public recently. She has had outbursts of anger and said some pretty strange words to total strangers in a parking lot! I heard her husband is horrified. Can you believe that?!"
I took a deep breath and smiled. The woman whom she was referring to exited the coffee shop with her latte. My friend gave me a look of suspicion. "What are you smiling about?"
I sat my cup down and pulled my chair closer. "We don't know what all is going on in her heart. Maybe she's fighting hormone imbalance, or her marriage isn't perfect, or her Mom's health is failing, or she's having financial woes... We don't know. We can't judge her. Or anyone as far as that goes.
My friend sat up straight and with wide open eyes looked at me and answered, "Why are you defending her?"
I smiled again with my reply. "Who are we to cast stones? What if instead we just quietly in our own prayer closets bring her name to God and Jesus and Mother Mary and her angels and her family that has crossed over and request that she may know peace and answers in her time of turmoil or heartache?"
"But you aren't Catholic! Why bring Mother Mary into this?" My surprised young friend said.
"Well, neither is Mother Mary! And she hangs out with Jesus on a regular basis! Its not about being Catholic, or Baptist, or Jewish or whatever your religion is! It's about praying for someone instead of talking about them or judging them.
I gently placed one of my age spotted, wrinkled hands upon her young hand while leaning in even closer and whispered, "Because I am one who formerly had stones aimed at me and I formerly threw them myself at others."
"Our duty is to pray for one another and use our stones to build a rock garden. No one knows another's heart or story like God does. We Are beautiful souls here living in these temporary bodies experiencing Life. As one of my patients' family members told me, "Becki, this is Earth School. Pay attention to the lessons before you and learn. And bathe every soul in your path with as much Love and Light as you can. Because one day in your Life Review you will know the effects of it all in everyone you smiled at, helped to cross the street, held open the door for, bought their supper, forgave their anger towards you, held their hand as that last breath was exhaled....and the same too if we wounded anyone with a frown, a discouraging look, an ignorance, ....."
I think I remember reading, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone." I'm thinking we can build many very nice rock gardens!
My friend patted my hand and quietly said, "Ok! Now I need to rethink my day! And you are crazy and I love you!!"
My friend leaned closer to my direction and whispered, "I heard Cathy is behaving in inappropriate ways in public recently. She has had outbursts of anger and said some pretty strange words to total strangers in a parking lot! I heard her husband is horrified. Can you believe that?!"
I took a deep breath and smiled. The woman whom she was referring to exited the coffee shop with her latte. My friend gave me a look of suspicion. "What are you smiling about?"
I sat my cup down and pulled my chair closer. "We don't know what all is going on in her heart. Maybe she's fighting hormone imbalance, or her marriage isn't perfect, or her Mom's health is failing, or she's having financial woes... We don't know. We can't judge her. Or anyone as far as that goes.
My friend sat up straight and with wide open eyes looked at me and answered, "Why are you defending her?"
I smiled again with my reply. "Who are we to cast stones? What if instead we just quietly in our own prayer closets bring her name to God and Jesus and Mother Mary and her angels and her family that has crossed over and request that she may know peace and answers in her time of turmoil or heartache?"
"But you aren't Catholic! Why bring Mother Mary into this?" My surprised young friend said.
"Well, neither is Mother Mary! And she hangs out with Jesus on a regular basis! Its not about being Catholic, or Baptist, or Jewish or whatever your religion is! It's about praying for someone instead of talking about them or judging them.
I gently placed one of my age spotted, wrinkled hands upon her young hand while leaning in even closer and whispered, "Because I am one who formerly had stones aimed at me and I formerly threw them myself at others."
"Our duty is to pray for one another and use our stones to build a rock garden. No one knows another's heart or story like God does. We Are beautiful souls here living in these temporary bodies experiencing Life. As one of my patients' family members told me, "Becki, this is Earth School. Pay attention to the lessons before you and learn. And bathe every soul in your path with as much Love and Light as you can. Because one day in your Life Review you will know the effects of it all in everyone you smiled at, helped to cross the street, held open the door for, bought their supper, forgave their anger towards you, held their hand as that last breath was exhaled....and the same too if we wounded anyone with a frown, a discouraging look, an ignorance, ....."
I think I remember reading, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone." I'm thinking we can build many very nice rock gardens!
My friend patted my hand and quietly said, "Ok! Now I need to rethink my day! And you are crazy and I love you!!"
Monday, January 26, 2015
VISITING THE OTHER SIDE
I have been absent from this blog since October! So sorry! I had surgery and then just simply got busy with Life.
But I received a message that I needed to get back to writing and sharing! So today I want to share this post from my YouTube video - Becki Hawkins/Nurse Shares 30 Years. I love reading the comments, especially the ones with stories they want to share. When I read this one, I connected with this gentleman and asked for his permission to share this with you. He agreed! So, enjoy! Warning: I am writing this word for word and he is not holding back with his true expressions.
"When I was 18, I was very suicidal. I was drinking and drugging. I would pull out in front of big trucks and let them just barely miss me. I was reckless and desperate. I would spend hours in bed staring at the ceiling. I hated school. I hated being broke and I hated the idea of getting a job. I had had many jobs already and was not at all looking forward to working for the next 40 or so years. My mother was mean and my father was already going senile. He was 53 when I was born. One night I had a dream. The dream was that I was a fortyish year old cop in a town of less than 1000 in a tree filled little hick town in the late 50's. I was a cop for 20 years or so. I became a cop because I didn't want to be drafted back when WW II had started. I had a bit of a belly and rather enjoyed my easy cop life. I was married to an introverted wife and we had a son and daughter both in high school. I grew up in that town and had known my wife since I was a small child.
I had a lot of pride. I had a strong sense of morality. I wanted to treat everyone fairly and I prided myself in never having removed my pistol from the holster. I felt that most of the people of the town respected me. I had inner turmoil though. The town butcher used to park his delivery truck illegally and I would over look it for I didn't want him to hate me. I liked to eat meat and he gave my wife good deals and cuts. I'm sure it was so I would let him slide with his parking. It was not an agreement I had with him but I "got" it. It drove me nuts but I didn't want to pay extra for bad cuts of meat either.
One day I got a radio call about this 17 year old kid that was causing trouble again. I had run-ins before with him and went to his house to take him back to jail or wherever. His house was out in the sticks a bit. There were lot of tall trees on an acre or two of land and an old house where he lived with his alcoholic uncle or grandfather. I had a rookie partner with me. I had my rookie knock on the front door while I went around back. As soon as I got to the back of the house the kid was standing there about 10 feet away with a double barreled 12 gauge and shot me in the belly with both barrels before I could pull my pistol out.
I fell down on my back immediately on the back porch and he ran off into the woods with the shot gun. I laid there looking up at the tree tops and blue sky thinking I was probably going to die right there. My partner came running around the back and stood over me. He moaned and then started to throw up. I'm thinking, "Call an ambulance you idiot!" Well he finally does but the can't stop being sick and I just lay there waiting for help. I'm surprised it doesn't hurt more. When the ambulance comes they come with more cops and even the chief. The paramedics look at me and don't do anything for me. People are just looking at each other and talking. This is when I see a beautiful woman walk to me and stretch out her hand to me. She says, "Take my hand if you want to come with me."(I'm crying as I type this now). I say, "Lady, I need a doctor." She said, "The doctors cannot help you. Take my hand if you want to come with me." What choice did I have? Everyone else was ignoring me. I looked back at her and said, "Shit, I'm dead ain't I?" She said, "Do I look dead to you?" I said, "No, you don't look dead at all." She said I could stay there or go with her. "Sure, I'll go with you."
We started to float up in this 'gentle twister' with her eyes on me and my eyes all over her. She seemed to be humored by my attraction to her. It took a couple minutes to go up the 'twister' and I was still holding her hand when we landed on this cloudy plain. I looked into the distance and started to see maybe a hundred people in the distance walking slowly toward me. Slowly, I started to recognize them. They came and hugged me or shook my hand. I talked a little to all of them. I recognized them all but not necessarily from my life on earth. I recognized them from 'different' lives on Earth and some from never on Earth. This went on for an hour or so and then that lady came to me and said, "The counsel would like to talk to you. Would you like to meet them?" I'm thinking "Council? Oh shit! Judgment day!" But I also thought it was better to go now while people were still feeling sorry for me than go later after the 'killing' had been forgotten. I was looking for some mercy. So I went with her to this rather informal panel of elderly men, maybe five, and stood before them. They said, "Don't be so alarmed, we just want to ask you a few questions." I said, "OK shoot!", so they wouldn't forget what just happened to me. They asked me, "So, what is it like on Earth?" I wanted to say it was a sinful place but I thought it smarter to say, "Ah, it's pretty crazy down there. There are a lot of really messed up people that need a lot of help." They were very surprised by my comment and very pleased. The man in the center said, "Well, what happened to you down there?" I said, "Didn't you see what happened to me? That damn kid shot me to death!" And their smiles disappeared. He said to me, "What do you mean by, he shot you to death?" I'm a little taken back and I said, "The kid took a 12 gauge and killed me and now I'm here!" A little disappointed, he asked me, "So, do you think you are dead?" Now, I knew something was up. I was mad at this kid. He had shot me point blank and ran away leaving me to die, and for what reason? I was not about to give up my anger and lose my deserving mercy from God. I said, "Yes, he killed me. I'm dead and that's why I'm here now." Shaking their heads they asked me another question. "If you are dead how is it possible that you are talking to us? Do you think WE are dead too?" I retorted, "Well, I guess so. Isn't this the place where dead people go?" They started to look at each other in dismay and I heard them say to each other, "Hey, look at me. Do I look dead to you?" and "No, you look just fine. Ah, do I look dead to you?" and "No, you're looking o.k. to me too." and they chuckled a little. I was getting pissed but they had one more question. He asked me, "What do you think should happen to that kid?" I said, "He should be punished for killing a police officer." They said, "Well, it's been nice talking to you and we hope to talk to you again soon." I thought, "Cool, I'm out of here." And I went with the lady out of there.
She took me to another place and asked me if I wanted to speak with God. Horrified by the thought of facing God, I said, "Maybe later, he must be very busy."
She asked me, "What do you want to do now? Do you want to go back to Earth?" I said I was worried about my wife and kids. She asked me if I would like to see how they were doing and I said, "Yes". I took her hand and before I knew it I was at my own funeral. It was outdoors in the little central park and there was a big closed coffin and I was wondering how all this could be happening already. She told me that time was an illusion and that we could go anywhere in time.
I looked at the coffin again and saw my wife kneeling at the coffin balling her eyes out. Immediately I was devastated. She was so sad for me. I could 'hear' her thoughts. She was truly sorry for me and not so much for herself or the kids. I could hear her thinking how brave I was and how she always knew something like this might happen because I was too brave and proud to pull my pistol out. I was shocked because I had always thought that she looked down on me and didn't have confidence in me. Instead I find out she looked up to me because she saw I was a brave and true cop. I started to scream at her that I was right here. "I'm alright, I'm right here! I'm fine! Don't worry!" But she could not hear me. I looked at the lady (my guide) and said, "Why can't she hear me?" My guide said, "Because she is listening with her flesh and you are but speaking with your Spirit. The flesh is weak and cannot hear the Spirit." I was devastated but my guide said she would be alright. The state made sure the families of killed police officers were well taken care of...financial wise. I heard my children thinking that they were happy I was killed because they could now go to college instead of being stuck in that small town. I could hear the rookie cops thinking I was an old fool who should have been more careful. I thought those rookies looked up to me. I guess I was a fool. I heard the chief's thoughts too. He never seemed to like me but he was actually impressed that I was a true blue cop. I was just as shocked by everyone else in the town. Their thoughts were shocking. I wondered how I could hear every one's thoughts. My guide looked at me without talking. She telepathically told me that the Spirit hears everything.
We left my funeral and went back to...who knows...outer space like. She held my hand and we floated there for awhile. I was shook up but not as shook up as I thought I would be. I thought about how I told the council I was dead and how I tried to tell my wife I was o.k. I thought a little about my unloving kids. My guide asked me where I wanted to go next. I said, "Well, I sure don't want to go back to Earth. What else have you got?" She said that there were all kinds of places to go. Not just Earth but back to the council, or to go see God or go see some other worlds, or we could even stay right there. I said, "Other worlds? There are more worlds? I'd like to see some other worlds. What have you got? She said she would take me to the next world that was one step from Earth towards Heaven to see how I liked it. In an instant we were standing on a grassy area looking around at what looked like the Earth but with a lot fewer buildings. The weather was 73 degrees and sunny. I was told it did not vary very much. There were trees and blue skies. There was an outdoor concert nearby and hundreds were just hanging out on the grassy hillside listening to the bands.
I'm like, "So, this looks awful familiar. Is this the same as Earth?" She said, "It's a lot like Earth but it is different too." I said, "Well, what's to do? Do they have any arcades here?" (This is weird because if I was in 1958 or so, why would I be asking about arcades?) She walked me to an arcade place that was empty of people but full of arcade machines. I walked up to a PAC Man looking machine and asked her for some money. She said, "Oh, there's no money in this world. Everything is free." I wondered how this place was staying in business or even why it was in business. She told me the builders just really liked arcade machines. So I'm looking at this screen and it is a guy walking down the sidewalk with a flower in his hand. She told me to hand the flower to a person walking the other way. I hit the button and the person got a flower but now I had two flowers. I handed another flower out and now I had three flowers. I handed three flowers out and now I had six flowers. I said, "I don't get it?" She said, "The concepts of winning and losing are not here in this world." I said, "Well then, how do you finish the game?" She said, "You are finished when you don't want to play anymore." It was a rather boring game and I ended up quickly with so many flowers I couldn't see my player anymore for all the flowers. I knew quickly why no one was at this retarded arcade.
We walked out of the arcade and I asked her about where I would live as in, what kind of house I could have. She said that I could have any house I wanted but that most people don't live in houses in this world. Most just live in the parks. I'm thinking, "Bums?" She showed me that I could build myself a mansion with not my hands but with my mind. We talked about walls and doors and floors and as I thought about what I wanted they came to be. Soon I had a rather nice home and I asked her why more people didn't want a house. Didn't they like to have their own place and have some privacy? That's when she put her hand through the wall. She explained that I could have a house but that I couldn't really have any privacy. She showed me how people could walk right into my house no matter how many walls and locks I put up. I asked her, "Well, how do I keep people out of my house?" She said that all I could do was put up signs asking people to not come in. I felt a wall and it seemed solid enough. She said now imagine your hand going through the wall, and sure enough it went through the wall. I said, "How come I don't fall through the floor?" She said, "Because you believe you won't."
So, I'm a little perturbed again. "Well, isn't there a police force that arrest trespassers?" She said, "Well, we have something much like a police force but instead of punishing people when they act badly, we try to help them." I said, "Why not just throw them in jail?" She said, "Well, if you ask them to they might stay in jail but they can always just walk through the walls." "Great!" I said sarcastically.
"Well, how about a family? Who will my parents be? How do I get into this world?" She said sheepishly. "Everyone is your family. God is your Father and you are already here in this world. You don't need to be born into it." I asked about death and she said, "There is no concept of death here either. You just leave whenever you want to." "Well, what about money?" I asked. She said, "There is no money. Everyone is equal here. There is no concept of individual possessions here." I said, "You mean to tell me that if I work my ass off, the guy watching TV all day without a job has the same standard of living as me? She said, "Yup, everyone is equal." I said, "Well, what about sex? Do they have sex here?" and she said "There is something like sex here but it is not with bodies. It is much more a mental engagement and we feel is far more intimate than sex on Earth." And that did it for me! "Get me out of here!" I said. In an instant I was floating in black space with her again. I asked her if they had another world that did have walls and she said that there were plans to make another world even more 'denser' than Earth but the actual building was not started yet.
I was furious. I didn't like Earth and I didn't like the world of sexless, socialist, lawless, family less bums in the park world either. She asked where I wanted to go now and in a childish fit I said, "I don't want to go anywhere! This sucks!" So she said she was going to leave me here to think things over and that she would be back if I needed her and poof, she was gone.
I'm floating in black space by myself and I look around and I don't even have a body anymore. I feel safe for some odd reason but I'm furious and I'm bored. I float for hours holding onto my anger. Once in a long while some stranger stops by and asks me what I'm doing out here. I say, "Earth sucks and so do the other worlds." I knew them from like 20 lifetimes ago on Earth and sure as shit, they were going back to Earth. I think I floated out there for 3 weeks without a body while every once in a while communicating with passing strangers with just just telepathy. I couldn't see them or hear them but still we knew each other's presence and thoughts.
Finally, my guide comes back and says, "We think we found a family for you on Earth. Won't you at least come and look?" Well, I'm bored to tears, and so I agree to look but warn her she is wasting her time. She says, "Just look. You have no obligations." I think its another chance to complain and I do miss her and so I go with her. I know black space isn't going anywhere. It'll still be there when I get back. She whisks me away and I'm looking at this 'screen' with another person (the screen operator) and I see an earth and people and stuff. My guide says, "This will be you. This will be your sister and this will be your father. This is where you will live, in California by the beach. This is where you will be working. You will make a lot of money and these are some of your many girlfriends you will be having lots of sex with. One drawback is that this will be your mother. She is rather difficult." I was very impressed with the bikini clad tanned bodies I was offered but I said, "What else have you got?" She said, "Oh, that's all. If you don't like that I will just take you back to where you've been hanging out. I'm thinking she's got me. Bikinis, money, Southern California Beaches or black space...I say, "OK, but I don't want to be killed again." She said, "Deal! We will send some angels with you." I'm thinking and I say, "Cool, I'll do it." And she asks me "What do you want to accomplish while you're there? I was thinking about nailing all those suntanned hotties but I said, "I want to do God's will." She said, "Excellent! It will be done!" And they sat me in this tub like thing and I went alone down this clear water slide tube and all of a sudden I'm in a dark and small room. I realize I'm inside my new mother and its already time for delivery. I try to make it quick and as painless for my new mom as possible. I come out quickly. The doctor and nurse are there. Everything goes smooth. I get some sleep. The next day I'm eating bottles of delicious milk. A beautiful nurse comes by and straps me to this chair. I think this is weird and she starts cleaning my little penis. I'm think, "The fun already starts!" She walks away and this man comes in and before I know it he's cut the little foreskin off me. It hurts and already I don't trust beautiful women anymore.
I woke up from my dream and got out of bed and stared at my bed a few moments and wondered, "What the f**k did I just dream. I went downstairs and told my mom that I think I might have remembered being born. I described the quick delivery, the doctors and nurses appearance and the way the room looked. The nurse had a big black beehive hairdo. My mom said that it was all exactly like how I described it and wanted to know if my Dad put me up to this little gag.
I was weird for a week after that dream. There were so many weird messages in it. I think the most important message was that I didn't really want to die. I wanted to be on Earth. I got a job soon afterward at an aerospace company making good money for the next 21 years. I took up surfing and met a lot of women. I got ahead and I got head. It was just what I came here for.
Oh and that little thing about doing God's Will. Ya, I got to do that too.
I'm ready for the next world now. I can't wait to just sit in the park and listen and play with the bands in the park.
I know there is a far greater intimacy with people than just sex. I've experienced the messages I received in the dream. That dream had a hundred if not more lessons in it I would learn later in life. I've even had telepathic communications with other people and the Holy Spirit. I know God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, my Guide and my Angels go everywhere with me. I know everyone I meet is my family. I know that after I die, I won't be dead. I know that to give is to receive. I know Karma. I know that when people behave badly, that it is wise to help them instead of punish them."
I'm so grateful he decided to share this with us!
But I received a message that I needed to get back to writing and sharing! So today I want to share this post from my YouTube video - Becki Hawkins/Nurse Shares 30 Years. I love reading the comments, especially the ones with stories they want to share. When I read this one, I connected with this gentleman and asked for his permission to share this with you. He agreed! So, enjoy! Warning: I am writing this word for word and he is not holding back with his true expressions.
"When I was 18, I was very suicidal. I was drinking and drugging. I would pull out in front of big trucks and let them just barely miss me. I was reckless and desperate. I would spend hours in bed staring at the ceiling. I hated school. I hated being broke and I hated the idea of getting a job. I had had many jobs already and was not at all looking forward to working for the next 40 or so years. My mother was mean and my father was already going senile. He was 53 when I was born. One night I had a dream. The dream was that I was a fortyish year old cop in a town of less than 1000 in a tree filled little hick town in the late 50's. I was a cop for 20 years or so. I became a cop because I didn't want to be drafted back when WW II had started. I had a bit of a belly and rather enjoyed my easy cop life. I was married to an introverted wife and we had a son and daughter both in high school. I grew up in that town and had known my wife since I was a small child.
I had a lot of pride. I had a strong sense of morality. I wanted to treat everyone fairly and I prided myself in never having removed my pistol from the holster. I felt that most of the people of the town respected me. I had inner turmoil though. The town butcher used to park his delivery truck illegally and I would over look it for I didn't want him to hate me. I liked to eat meat and he gave my wife good deals and cuts. I'm sure it was so I would let him slide with his parking. It was not an agreement I had with him but I "got" it. It drove me nuts but I didn't want to pay extra for bad cuts of meat either.
One day I got a radio call about this 17 year old kid that was causing trouble again. I had run-ins before with him and went to his house to take him back to jail or wherever. His house was out in the sticks a bit. There were lot of tall trees on an acre or two of land and an old house where he lived with his alcoholic uncle or grandfather. I had a rookie partner with me. I had my rookie knock on the front door while I went around back. As soon as I got to the back of the house the kid was standing there about 10 feet away with a double barreled 12 gauge and shot me in the belly with both barrels before I could pull my pistol out.
I fell down on my back immediately on the back porch and he ran off into the woods with the shot gun. I laid there looking up at the tree tops and blue sky thinking I was probably going to die right there. My partner came running around the back and stood over me. He moaned and then started to throw up. I'm thinking, "Call an ambulance you idiot!" Well he finally does but the can't stop being sick and I just lay there waiting for help. I'm surprised it doesn't hurt more. When the ambulance comes they come with more cops and even the chief. The paramedics look at me and don't do anything for me. People are just looking at each other and talking. This is when I see a beautiful woman walk to me and stretch out her hand to me. She says, "Take my hand if you want to come with me."(I'm crying as I type this now). I say, "Lady, I need a doctor." She said, "The doctors cannot help you. Take my hand if you want to come with me." What choice did I have? Everyone else was ignoring me. I looked back at her and said, "Shit, I'm dead ain't I?" She said, "Do I look dead to you?" I said, "No, you don't look dead at all." She said I could stay there or go with her. "Sure, I'll go with you."
We started to float up in this 'gentle twister' with her eyes on me and my eyes all over her. She seemed to be humored by my attraction to her. It took a couple minutes to go up the 'twister' and I was still holding her hand when we landed on this cloudy plain. I looked into the distance and started to see maybe a hundred people in the distance walking slowly toward me. Slowly, I started to recognize them. They came and hugged me or shook my hand. I talked a little to all of them. I recognized them all but not necessarily from my life on earth. I recognized them from 'different' lives on Earth and some from never on Earth. This went on for an hour or so and then that lady came to me and said, "The counsel would like to talk to you. Would you like to meet them?" I'm thinking "Council? Oh shit! Judgment day!" But I also thought it was better to go now while people were still feeling sorry for me than go later after the 'killing' had been forgotten. I was looking for some mercy. So I went with her to this rather informal panel of elderly men, maybe five, and stood before them. They said, "Don't be so alarmed, we just want to ask you a few questions." I said, "OK shoot!", so they wouldn't forget what just happened to me. They asked me, "So, what is it like on Earth?" I wanted to say it was a sinful place but I thought it smarter to say, "Ah, it's pretty crazy down there. There are a lot of really messed up people that need a lot of help." They were very surprised by my comment and very pleased. The man in the center said, "Well, what happened to you down there?" I said, "Didn't you see what happened to me? That damn kid shot me to death!" And their smiles disappeared. He said to me, "What do you mean by, he shot you to death?" I'm a little taken back and I said, "The kid took a 12 gauge and killed me and now I'm here!" A little disappointed, he asked me, "So, do you think you are dead?" Now, I knew something was up. I was mad at this kid. He had shot me point blank and ran away leaving me to die, and for what reason? I was not about to give up my anger and lose my deserving mercy from God. I said, "Yes, he killed me. I'm dead and that's why I'm here now." Shaking their heads they asked me another question. "If you are dead how is it possible that you are talking to us? Do you think WE are dead too?" I retorted, "Well, I guess so. Isn't this the place where dead people go?" They started to look at each other in dismay and I heard them say to each other, "Hey, look at me. Do I look dead to you?" and "No, you look just fine. Ah, do I look dead to you?" and "No, you're looking o.k. to me too." and they chuckled a little. I was getting pissed but they had one more question. He asked me, "What do you think should happen to that kid?" I said, "He should be punished for killing a police officer." They said, "Well, it's been nice talking to you and we hope to talk to you again soon." I thought, "Cool, I'm out of here." And I went with the lady out of there.
She took me to another place and asked me if I wanted to speak with God. Horrified by the thought of facing God, I said, "Maybe later, he must be very busy."
She asked me, "What do you want to do now? Do you want to go back to Earth?" I said I was worried about my wife and kids. She asked me if I would like to see how they were doing and I said, "Yes". I took her hand and before I knew it I was at my own funeral. It was outdoors in the little central park and there was a big closed coffin and I was wondering how all this could be happening already. She told me that time was an illusion and that we could go anywhere in time.
I looked at the coffin again and saw my wife kneeling at the coffin balling her eyes out. Immediately I was devastated. She was so sad for me. I could 'hear' her thoughts. She was truly sorry for me and not so much for herself or the kids. I could hear her thinking how brave I was and how she always knew something like this might happen because I was too brave and proud to pull my pistol out. I was shocked because I had always thought that she looked down on me and didn't have confidence in me. Instead I find out she looked up to me because she saw I was a brave and true cop. I started to scream at her that I was right here. "I'm alright, I'm right here! I'm fine! Don't worry!" But she could not hear me. I looked at the lady (my guide) and said, "Why can't she hear me?" My guide said, "Because she is listening with her flesh and you are but speaking with your Spirit. The flesh is weak and cannot hear the Spirit." I was devastated but my guide said she would be alright. The state made sure the families of killed police officers were well taken care of...financial wise. I heard my children thinking that they were happy I was killed because they could now go to college instead of being stuck in that small town. I could hear the rookie cops thinking I was an old fool who should have been more careful. I thought those rookies looked up to me. I guess I was a fool. I heard the chief's thoughts too. He never seemed to like me but he was actually impressed that I was a true blue cop. I was just as shocked by everyone else in the town. Their thoughts were shocking. I wondered how I could hear every one's thoughts. My guide looked at me without talking. She telepathically told me that the Spirit hears everything.
We left my funeral and went back to...who knows...outer space like. She held my hand and we floated there for awhile. I was shook up but not as shook up as I thought I would be. I thought about how I told the council I was dead and how I tried to tell my wife I was o.k. I thought a little about my unloving kids. My guide asked me where I wanted to go next. I said, "Well, I sure don't want to go back to Earth. What else have you got?" She said that there were all kinds of places to go. Not just Earth but back to the council, or to go see God or go see some other worlds, or we could even stay right there. I said, "Other worlds? There are more worlds? I'd like to see some other worlds. What have you got? She said she would take me to the next world that was one step from Earth towards Heaven to see how I liked it. In an instant we were standing on a grassy area looking around at what looked like the Earth but with a lot fewer buildings. The weather was 73 degrees and sunny. I was told it did not vary very much. There were trees and blue skies. There was an outdoor concert nearby and hundreds were just hanging out on the grassy hillside listening to the bands.
I'm like, "So, this looks awful familiar. Is this the same as Earth?" She said, "It's a lot like Earth but it is different too." I said, "Well, what's to do? Do they have any arcades here?" (This is weird because if I was in 1958 or so, why would I be asking about arcades?) She walked me to an arcade place that was empty of people but full of arcade machines. I walked up to a PAC Man looking machine and asked her for some money. She said, "Oh, there's no money in this world. Everything is free." I wondered how this place was staying in business or even why it was in business. She told me the builders just really liked arcade machines. So I'm looking at this screen and it is a guy walking down the sidewalk with a flower in his hand. She told me to hand the flower to a person walking the other way. I hit the button and the person got a flower but now I had two flowers. I handed another flower out and now I had three flowers. I handed three flowers out and now I had six flowers. I said, "I don't get it?" She said, "The concepts of winning and losing are not here in this world." I said, "Well then, how do you finish the game?" She said, "You are finished when you don't want to play anymore." It was a rather boring game and I ended up quickly with so many flowers I couldn't see my player anymore for all the flowers. I knew quickly why no one was at this retarded arcade.
We walked out of the arcade and I asked her about where I would live as in, what kind of house I could have. She said that I could have any house I wanted but that most people don't live in houses in this world. Most just live in the parks. I'm thinking, "Bums?" She showed me that I could build myself a mansion with not my hands but with my mind. We talked about walls and doors and floors and as I thought about what I wanted they came to be. Soon I had a rather nice home and I asked her why more people didn't want a house. Didn't they like to have their own place and have some privacy? That's when she put her hand through the wall. She explained that I could have a house but that I couldn't really have any privacy. She showed me how people could walk right into my house no matter how many walls and locks I put up. I asked her, "Well, how do I keep people out of my house?" She said that all I could do was put up signs asking people to not come in. I felt a wall and it seemed solid enough. She said now imagine your hand going through the wall, and sure enough it went through the wall. I said, "How come I don't fall through the floor?" She said, "Because you believe you won't."
So, I'm a little perturbed again. "Well, isn't there a police force that arrest trespassers?" She said, "Well, we have something much like a police force but instead of punishing people when they act badly, we try to help them." I said, "Why not just throw them in jail?" She said, "Well, if you ask them to they might stay in jail but they can always just walk through the walls." "Great!" I said sarcastically.
"Well, how about a family? Who will my parents be? How do I get into this world?" She said sheepishly. "Everyone is your family. God is your Father and you are already here in this world. You don't need to be born into it." I asked about death and she said, "There is no concept of death here either. You just leave whenever you want to." "Well, what about money?" I asked. She said, "There is no money. Everyone is equal here. There is no concept of individual possessions here." I said, "You mean to tell me that if I work my ass off, the guy watching TV all day without a job has the same standard of living as me? She said, "Yup, everyone is equal." I said, "Well, what about sex? Do they have sex here?" and she said "There is something like sex here but it is not with bodies. It is much more a mental engagement and we feel is far more intimate than sex on Earth." And that did it for me! "Get me out of here!" I said. In an instant I was floating in black space with her again. I asked her if they had another world that did have walls and she said that there were plans to make another world even more 'denser' than Earth but the actual building was not started yet.
I was furious. I didn't like Earth and I didn't like the world of sexless, socialist, lawless, family less bums in the park world either. She asked where I wanted to go now and in a childish fit I said, "I don't want to go anywhere! This sucks!" So she said she was going to leave me here to think things over and that she would be back if I needed her and poof, she was gone.
I'm floating in black space by myself and I look around and I don't even have a body anymore. I feel safe for some odd reason but I'm furious and I'm bored. I float for hours holding onto my anger. Once in a long while some stranger stops by and asks me what I'm doing out here. I say, "Earth sucks and so do the other worlds." I knew them from like 20 lifetimes ago on Earth and sure as shit, they were going back to Earth. I think I floated out there for 3 weeks without a body while every once in a while communicating with passing strangers with just just telepathy. I couldn't see them or hear them but still we knew each other's presence and thoughts.
Finally, my guide comes back and says, "We think we found a family for you on Earth. Won't you at least come and look?" Well, I'm bored to tears, and so I agree to look but warn her she is wasting her time. She says, "Just look. You have no obligations." I think its another chance to complain and I do miss her and so I go with her. I know black space isn't going anywhere. It'll still be there when I get back. She whisks me away and I'm looking at this 'screen' with another person (the screen operator) and I see an earth and people and stuff. My guide says, "This will be you. This will be your sister and this will be your father. This is where you will live, in California by the beach. This is where you will be working. You will make a lot of money and these are some of your many girlfriends you will be having lots of sex with. One drawback is that this will be your mother. She is rather difficult." I was very impressed with the bikini clad tanned bodies I was offered but I said, "What else have you got?" She said, "Oh, that's all. If you don't like that I will just take you back to where you've been hanging out. I'm thinking she's got me. Bikinis, money, Southern California Beaches or black space...I say, "OK, but I don't want to be killed again." She said, "Deal! We will send some angels with you." I'm thinking and I say, "Cool, I'll do it." And she asks me "What do you want to accomplish while you're there? I was thinking about nailing all those suntanned hotties but I said, "I want to do God's will." She said, "Excellent! It will be done!" And they sat me in this tub like thing and I went alone down this clear water slide tube and all of a sudden I'm in a dark and small room. I realize I'm inside my new mother and its already time for delivery. I try to make it quick and as painless for my new mom as possible. I come out quickly. The doctor and nurse are there. Everything goes smooth. I get some sleep. The next day I'm eating bottles of delicious milk. A beautiful nurse comes by and straps me to this chair. I think this is weird and she starts cleaning my little penis. I'm think, "The fun already starts!" She walks away and this man comes in and before I know it he's cut the little foreskin off me. It hurts and already I don't trust beautiful women anymore.
I woke up from my dream and got out of bed and stared at my bed a few moments and wondered, "What the f**k did I just dream. I went downstairs and told my mom that I think I might have remembered being born. I described the quick delivery, the doctors and nurses appearance and the way the room looked. The nurse had a big black beehive hairdo. My mom said that it was all exactly like how I described it and wanted to know if my Dad put me up to this little gag.
I was weird for a week after that dream. There were so many weird messages in it. I think the most important message was that I didn't really want to die. I wanted to be on Earth. I got a job soon afterward at an aerospace company making good money for the next 21 years. I took up surfing and met a lot of women. I got ahead and I got head. It was just what I came here for.
Oh and that little thing about doing God's Will. Ya, I got to do that too.
I'm ready for the next world now. I can't wait to just sit in the park and listen and play with the bands in the park.
I know there is a far greater intimacy with people than just sex. I've experienced the messages I received in the dream. That dream had a hundred if not more lessons in it I would learn later in life. I've even had telepathic communications with other people and the Holy Spirit. I know God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, my Guide and my Angels go everywhere with me. I know everyone I meet is my family. I know that after I die, I won't be dead. I know that to give is to receive. I know Karma. I know that when people behave badly, that it is wise to help them instead of punish them."
I'm so grateful he decided to share this with us!
Friday, October 17, 2014
THE COWBOY AND CHEMO
October 17
So today for my Facebook Family daily Month of October post I want to share one of the chapters in my book: Transitions:A Nurse's Education About Life and Death. Chapter 21, page 55 - The Cowboy and Chemo. I thought I'd blog it and share with you as well. Peace and Love and Light to each of you!!
One of the best bits of wisdom shared by more than one of my patients over the years was a question posed to me like this: "What kind of footprints do you want to leave behind on this Earth?"
I was working in an Oncology Outpatient Clinic in Tulsa at the time I first heard those words. Samuel was in a brown faux leather recliner with his swollen feet propped up while I was studying his compromised veins for one suitable enough to start an IV that would carry the caustic chemo to him safely.
He was quieter than usual and seemed to me to be "dealing" with something that day, more than where he was going to go after his chemo. He rarely had any nausea and wanted to go out to eat while in the "big city".
I found the precious vein and got the IV going. I put on my gown and gloves, started the pre-meds, and was arranging my little bedside table with his chemo, tape, and a syringe when he spoke.
"Becki, what kind of footprints do you want to leave behind on this Earth?"
"Huh?" I looked up a little surprised and asked.
"Well, I been thinking. Just in case this doesn't come out okay and I might be headin' out of here sooner than later, I was wondering what I might be remembered for while I've been on this ole Earth.
"The only words my neighbor on the west end of the farm ever hears from me is me cussing those cows on a regular basis. My wife's Mother sees me leave the room right quick when she comes over for another visit. My kids seldom hear a word out of me less it's aggravating them about stuff like, 'Did you do your homework? Did you feed those steers? Did you close that gate? Did you help your mother with getting that feed sack out of the trunk of the car? And all I ever do in church is walk in, sit on the back pew, give them a couple of dollars, and leave before the preacher quits saying his final prayer. Nice guy, but he sure like to hear himself talk!"
"Why Samuel, you've always been very nice to all of us up here", I said. "I can't imagine you've left too many bad footprints." I said as I patted his other hand.
"Oh, shucks, who's gonna be rude to you girls! You have the needles!" he said with a huge grin.
"Okay then, Samuel, what would you do different?" I asked while slowly infusing the medications.
"Well, that is what I've been dwelling on here lately. I'm not a religious sort of fella by any means, but I do like God. I think God is okay. I've just never been too fond of some church folk and some ministers. They aren't all bad, but some of 'em talk outta both sides of their mouths!
But now I'm rethinking a little. Church isn't for perfect people. There aren't any. Church is for all of us that want to go there. I might cuss a little and the person next to me might be a self-righteous snob. We BOTH can sit on that pew. I'm going to work on not judging any of them anymore and I'm going to start putting a five dollar bill in that collection plate! And I'm gonna let that preacher shake my hand before I run out that door.
"And I've decided I'm going to quit yelling at my kids. I want them to have some good memories of me. I'm going to make an effort to sit down with all the family at dinner instead of eating in front of that TV with my old Roy Rogers TV tray. They're good kids. And I couldn't have a better wife. I need to tell her that, I reckon.
"Now it might take me a few days to improve on hanging out with my mother-in-law some more, but she too means well. She's not a really bad sort.
"And I think I'm going to drive the pick-up truck over to the neighbor's house and tell him how much I appreciate him chopping that ice on the pond for my cows a few weeks ago when the kids were in school and my wife was at work. I didn't have the energy to swing an axe. He just got out there and did that for me and never said a word about it. I hope I'd have done the same for him.
"Another reason I started in thinking about all of this was because we went to a funeral the other day and there was standing room only in that little church house.
"I can tell you right here and now that our friend was making the finest footprints here on Earth you've ever heard tell of. Not a soul didn't like him and respect him. There's never been a doubt about how he felt about his God and his family and his community. And same goes for his church and his neighbors. He had a dairy farm, wasn't wealthy by any means, worked from sun up to sun down and still took the time to share what he had with others, whether it was milk or green beans or corn or okra or tomatoes from the garden. You should have heard the testimonies given at that service. His preacher hardly had a chance to preach due to so many needing to say what this man meant to them.
"I was sitting there on that back pew in that service embarrassed to think, 'Who'd stand up for me?'
I just sat there after finishing the chemo and glanced around the room. Not a dry eye was to be seen. The four other patients in recliners and their family members were blotting their eyes with Kleenex.
I pulled him up close and whispered, "Do you know what you have done for so many today with this visit? You have preached one of the finest sermons any one of us has ever heard! You, my dear friend, have left GOLDEN footprints here today."
He quietly got up after I put a band aide on his IV site. He put on his sweat-stained cowboy hat, politely nodded at all those he passed, and went to the elevator.
So often these dear souls made me think, 'How do I want to be remembered?'
So today for my Facebook Family daily Month of October post I want to share one of the chapters in my book: Transitions:A Nurse's Education About Life and Death. Chapter 21, page 55 - The Cowboy and Chemo. I thought I'd blog it and share with you as well. Peace and Love and Light to each of you!!
One of the best bits of wisdom shared by more than one of my patients over the years was a question posed to me like this: "What kind of footprints do you want to leave behind on this Earth?"
I was working in an Oncology Outpatient Clinic in Tulsa at the time I first heard those words. Samuel was in a brown faux leather recliner with his swollen feet propped up while I was studying his compromised veins for one suitable enough to start an IV that would carry the caustic chemo to him safely.
He was quieter than usual and seemed to me to be "dealing" with something that day, more than where he was going to go after his chemo. He rarely had any nausea and wanted to go out to eat while in the "big city".
I found the precious vein and got the IV going. I put on my gown and gloves, started the pre-meds, and was arranging my little bedside table with his chemo, tape, and a syringe when he spoke.
"Becki, what kind of footprints do you want to leave behind on this Earth?"
"Huh?" I looked up a little surprised and asked.
"Well, I been thinking. Just in case this doesn't come out okay and I might be headin' out of here sooner than later, I was wondering what I might be remembered for while I've been on this ole Earth.
"The only words my neighbor on the west end of the farm ever hears from me is me cussing those cows on a regular basis. My wife's Mother sees me leave the room right quick when she comes over for another visit. My kids seldom hear a word out of me less it's aggravating them about stuff like, 'Did you do your homework? Did you feed those steers? Did you close that gate? Did you help your mother with getting that feed sack out of the trunk of the car? And all I ever do in church is walk in, sit on the back pew, give them a couple of dollars, and leave before the preacher quits saying his final prayer. Nice guy, but he sure like to hear himself talk!"
"Why Samuel, you've always been very nice to all of us up here", I said. "I can't imagine you've left too many bad footprints." I said as I patted his other hand.
"Oh, shucks, who's gonna be rude to you girls! You have the needles!" he said with a huge grin.
"Okay then, Samuel, what would you do different?" I asked while slowly infusing the medications.
"Well, that is what I've been dwelling on here lately. I'm not a religious sort of fella by any means, but I do like God. I think God is okay. I've just never been too fond of some church folk and some ministers. They aren't all bad, but some of 'em talk outta both sides of their mouths!
But now I'm rethinking a little. Church isn't for perfect people. There aren't any. Church is for all of us that want to go there. I might cuss a little and the person next to me might be a self-righteous snob. We BOTH can sit on that pew. I'm going to work on not judging any of them anymore and I'm going to start putting a five dollar bill in that collection plate! And I'm gonna let that preacher shake my hand before I run out that door.
"And I've decided I'm going to quit yelling at my kids. I want them to have some good memories of me. I'm going to make an effort to sit down with all the family at dinner instead of eating in front of that TV with my old Roy Rogers TV tray. They're good kids. And I couldn't have a better wife. I need to tell her that, I reckon.
"Now it might take me a few days to improve on hanging out with my mother-in-law some more, but she too means well. She's not a really bad sort.
"And I think I'm going to drive the pick-up truck over to the neighbor's house and tell him how much I appreciate him chopping that ice on the pond for my cows a few weeks ago when the kids were in school and my wife was at work. I didn't have the energy to swing an axe. He just got out there and did that for me and never said a word about it. I hope I'd have done the same for him.
"Another reason I started in thinking about all of this was because we went to a funeral the other day and there was standing room only in that little church house.
"I can tell you right here and now that our friend was making the finest footprints here on Earth you've ever heard tell of. Not a soul didn't like him and respect him. There's never been a doubt about how he felt about his God and his family and his community. And same goes for his church and his neighbors. He had a dairy farm, wasn't wealthy by any means, worked from sun up to sun down and still took the time to share what he had with others, whether it was milk or green beans or corn or okra or tomatoes from the garden. You should have heard the testimonies given at that service. His preacher hardly had a chance to preach due to so many needing to say what this man meant to them.
"I was sitting there on that back pew in that service embarrassed to think, 'Who'd stand up for me?'
I just sat there after finishing the chemo and glanced around the room. Not a dry eye was to be seen. The four other patients in recliners and their family members were blotting their eyes with Kleenex.
I pulled him up close and whispered, "Do you know what you have done for so many today with this visit? You have preached one of the finest sermons any one of us has ever heard! You, my dear friend, have left GOLDEN footprints here today."
He quietly got up after I put a band aide on his IV site. He put on his sweat-stained cowboy hat, politely nodded at all those he passed, and went to the elevator.
So often these dear souls made me think, 'How do I want to be remembered?'
Thursday, October 9, 2014
THE POWER OF TOUCH
I was working in a smaller big city hospital in the outpatient oncology department many years ago. We had been giving Jim chemo for a big cancer in his brain. He made me smile every time he got off the elevator with his wife. He was over six feet tall and weighted over 250 pounds (in the beginning), and his face was a rosy color with a huge smile. He always wore bib overalls, a plaid short-sleeved flannel cotton shirt, and worn lace-up boots. Jim's wife, Belle, followed him with pride and said less than he did.
"Good morning, girls! Who wants to draw my blood today?" he beamed like it was an honor.
"I will! It's my turn. Come over here and sit in this recliner and we'll get started," I said eagerly.
The great thing was how large and giving his veins were. The scary thing was that after I got the blood in the tube, white matter rose to the top of the blood. I had never seen that before meeting him. The other nurse working there, who had been my mentor when I first starting my career, told me that it was fat in his blood. She said, "Becki, we aren't worrying about that at this point. We are just trying to slow down his tumor's growth. He knows, but he still stays positive and cheerful."
And of course she said this to me away from ear shot.
So, every week he came for his lab work and his chemotherapy for four weeks and then he would have a week off. Never once did I not see him smile getting off that elevator. But, as time passed, he quit wearing his lace-up boots and instead wore his house shoes. His overalls were hanging on him. Nonetheless, he kept showing up with his positive attitude.
He was admitted to the hospital for a blood transfusion and IV antibiotics for an infection he couldn't get rid of with oral antibiotics. I headed up the back stairs to go check on him one afternoon after we had finished seeing patients. I peeked into his room to see if he was sleeping. He turned and smiled. "Come on in here. How is everyone downstairs? Look at this mess I'm into up here. They are giving me blood in one arm and medicine in this arm and now they're wantin' to give me some drink to help me gain some strength and weight. That stuff tastes really bad! I don't think too many folk that need it are going to like it. They better come up with something a mite different." His wife grinned and shook her head.
"So, how are you feeling?" I asked as I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand. His wife got up and excused herself to go down to the cafeteria.
"Well, to tell the truth, I'm a little concerned, but my faith is strong, and I know my Lord will see me through this, one way or the other. You can't throw your faith out the window if everything isn't going exactly like you want it to. God has never turned his back on me and I'm not turning my back on him. And, truly, I think these doctors have given me and the wife some more time. But, before I forget it, I want to tell you what a joy it has been for me to come see you girls all this time, even though it was for treating my cancer. I looked forward to every visit and getting to talk to those other patients and their families.
"The thing I want to say is this. Thank you for treating me like I was the most important patient you had every visit. Now I know you girls treat everyone of us like that. But no one but my wife has ever touched my hand with as much compassion as you girls do. Some of the kinfolk have acted like I have a contagious disease, and act like they might catch my cancer from me, if they hugged me or shook my hand. Isn't that the strangest thing? Bless their hearts. They don't know no better. Somebody ought to write a book for the public to have a better idea of how to treat their friends or neighbors or family who has cancer."
I leaned over and with as much gentleness as possible, hugged him, and kissed his flushed cheeks. He smiled from ear to ear. "Aw, Becki, thanks. Thanks for everything." I nodded and said, "No, thank you. You have been such a gift to us downstairs. You bring such positive energy everywhere you show up! You have blessed us and the other patients. God's love is beaming out of your whole body."
"Aw, Becki, shucks. Don't go on like that. It's embarrassing." He grinned from ear to ear with a brighter red face now.
We prayed together and I slowly made my way back down the stairs. I was praying that all of us would remember not to be afraid to pat a hand, touch a shoulder, give a Holy Hug when appropriate.
"Good morning, girls! Who wants to draw my blood today?" he beamed like it was an honor.
"I will! It's my turn. Come over here and sit in this recliner and we'll get started," I said eagerly.
The great thing was how large and giving his veins were. The scary thing was that after I got the blood in the tube, white matter rose to the top of the blood. I had never seen that before meeting him. The other nurse working there, who had been my mentor when I first starting my career, told me that it was fat in his blood. She said, "Becki, we aren't worrying about that at this point. We are just trying to slow down his tumor's growth. He knows, but he still stays positive and cheerful."
And of course she said this to me away from ear shot.
So, every week he came for his lab work and his chemotherapy for four weeks and then he would have a week off. Never once did I not see him smile getting off that elevator. But, as time passed, he quit wearing his lace-up boots and instead wore his house shoes. His overalls were hanging on him. Nonetheless, he kept showing up with his positive attitude.
He was admitted to the hospital for a blood transfusion and IV antibiotics for an infection he couldn't get rid of with oral antibiotics. I headed up the back stairs to go check on him one afternoon after we had finished seeing patients. I peeked into his room to see if he was sleeping. He turned and smiled. "Come on in here. How is everyone downstairs? Look at this mess I'm into up here. They are giving me blood in one arm and medicine in this arm and now they're wantin' to give me some drink to help me gain some strength and weight. That stuff tastes really bad! I don't think too many folk that need it are going to like it. They better come up with something a mite different." His wife grinned and shook her head.
"So, how are you feeling?" I asked as I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand. His wife got up and excused herself to go down to the cafeteria.
"Well, to tell the truth, I'm a little concerned, but my faith is strong, and I know my Lord will see me through this, one way or the other. You can't throw your faith out the window if everything isn't going exactly like you want it to. God has never turned his back on me and I'm not turning my back on him. And, truly, I think these doctors have given me and the wife some more time. But, before I forget it, I want to tell you what a joy it has been for me to come see you girls all this time, even though it was for treating my cancer. I looked forward to every visit and getting to talk to those other patients and their families.
"The thing I want to say is this. Thank you for treating me like I was the most important patient you had every visit. Now I know you girls treat everyone of us like that. But no one but my wife has ever touched my hand with as much compassion as you girls do. Some of the kinfolk have acted like I have a contagious disease, and act like they might catch my cancer from me, if they hugged me or shook my hand. Isn't that the strangest thing? Bless their hearts. They don't know no better. Somebody ought to write a book for the public to have a better idea of how to treat their friends or neighbors or family who has cancer."
I leaned over and with as much gentleness as possible, hugged him, and kissed his flushed cheeks. He smiled from ear to ear. "Aw, Becki, thanks. Thanks for everything." I nodded and said, "No, thank you. You have been such a gift to us downstairs. You bring such positive energy everywhere you show up! You have blessed us and the other patients. God's love is beaming out of your whole body."
"Aw, Becki, shucks. Don't go on like that. It's embarrassing." He grinned from ear to ear with a brighter red face now.
We prayed together and I slowly made my way back down the stairs. I was praying that all of us would remember not to be afraid to pat a hand, touch a shoulder, give a Holy Hug when appropriate.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
THE UNEXPECTED
It was a lovely day in Vancouver and we were looking forward to a visit to Granville Island to explore the market, examine and be awed by the vintage boat show, relax and stroll around in the perfect weather.
The water taxi carried us to our destination and we scrambled up the steps and began our tour. The flowers were intoxicating, the arts and crafts didn't disappoint, the booths were endless it seemed with exceptional art, food, crafts, coffees....you name it!
As be began to make our way down to the water taxi station suddenly a sound rang out like a cannon had been shot. I twirled around to find my husband. Was it a gun? Was it part of a show? What was that noise?
Then everyone was screaming and pointing toward the water before us. There was the body of a gentleman floating on top of the water with his shoes next to him. I was trying to take it all in. Then my husband pulled me close. He had seen him hit the water and his shoes fly off. He had jumped from the bridge above us, a very tall bridge.
"But let's do something! Let's swim out to him! Maybe he's not gone yet! Somebody help!" These were mine and others near me, words. But the people in charge of the water taxi tried to help everyone understand the Coast Guard was on the way and we were not to jump in the water. One man was furious screaming at the young girl, "Why won't you motor out to the man and pull him out of the water? Why won't someone do something before the Coast Guard gets here?" He was storming up the stairs back to the market.
I returned my gaze to the man right there before us. He was whiter than white, no sign of air movement, just slightly bobbing there now next to the edge of the island. We were urged to get on our taxi. The young lady suddenly broke down and starting sobbing and sobbing. I pulled her close and said, "It's not your fault that the man was so mad. He didn't know who else to yell at. You were doing your job. All we can do now is pray for that dear man's soul as his angels escort him home where he will find the healing he so desperately was perhaps seeking on this side."
We got on our taxi boat and decided to pray as we passed the body as the Coast Guard was arriving and moving near him to pull him onto their boat. We prayed for him, for the young girl, for the crowd, for the man's family and friends. And then we did our very best to continue our day.
It took me hours to snap out of it. And then days, many days, before I quit seeing him.
I don't know the specific statistics on suicide but even one is too many it seems to me. These dear people cannot see any light at the end of their tunnel for whatever reason and are seeking relief.
My brother had a NDE a year before he died with cancer. In that NDE a very dear friend of his who had committed suicide just the year before, appeared to my brother smiling, along with our Mother. It wasn't time for my brother to stay.
But, seeing his friend there, smiling, in the Light gave my brother a new hope. There are other stories of those who say they have been to Heaven and that those who do commit suicide are received by loving angels who escort them to a special place of healing. I cannot prove that, but I like the sound of it.
I looked for the incident in the newspaper the next morning and watched the local news to see if he had been identified. Nothing ever was said. I wanted to know if he was younger than he looked, and if he had a family, or if he had been ill, or....?? "The conversation rambled in my head and my heart, "Who are you? I am so sorry?" I asked the hotel concierge about this. They said that it is, sadly, not uncommon for people to jump from their very tall bridges there. They said that perhaps the authorities have decided its best not to report these tragedies on the news for many reasons.
Vancouver is one of my very favorite places to visit. It will continue to be so. The unexpected arrives in front of us all over the globe sometimes. But so does random sheer joy, sunsets that seem heavenly painted, a hug that melts our hearts... It's called Life.
The water taxi carried us to our destination and we scrambled up the steps and began our tour. The flowers were intoxicating, the arts and crafts didn't disappoint, the booths were endless it seemed with exceptional art, food, crafts, coffees....you name it!
As be began to make our way down to the water taxi station suddenly a sound rang out like a cannon had been shot. I twirled around to find my husband. Was it a gun? Was it part of a show? What was that noise?
Then everyone was screaming and pointing toward the water before us. There was the body of a gentleman floating on top of the water with his shoes next to him. I was trying to take it all in. Then my husband pulled me close. He had seen him hit the water and his shoes fly off. He had jumped from the bridge above us, a very tall bridge.
"But let's do something! Let's swim out to him! Maybe he's not gone yet! Somebody help!" These were mine and others near me, words. But the people in charge of the water taxi tried to help everyone understand the Coast Guard was on the way and we were not to jump in the water. One man was furious screaming at the young girl, "Why won't you motor out to the man and pull him out of the water? Why won't someone do something before the Coast Guard gets here?" He was storming up the stairs back to the market.
I returned my gaze to the man right there before us. He was whiter than white, no sign of air movement, just slightly bobbing there now next to the edge of the island. We were urged to get on our taxi. The young lady suddenly broke down and starting sobbing and sobbing. I pulled her close and said, "It's not your fault that the man was so mad. He didn't know who else to yell at. You were doing your job. All we can do now is pray for that dear man's soul as his angels escort him home where he will find the healing he so desperately was perhaps seeking on this side."
We got on our taxi boat and decided to pray as we passed the body as the Coast Guard was arriving and moving near him to pull him onto their boat. We prayed for him, for the young girl, for the crowd, for the man's family and friends. And then we did our very best to continue our day.
It took me hours to snap out of it. And then days, many days, before I quit seeing him.
I don't know the specific statistics on suicide but even one is too many it seems to me. These dear people cannot see any light at the end of their tunnel for whatever reason and are seeking relief.
My brother had a NDE a year before he died with cancer. In that NDE a very dear friend of his who had committed suicide just the year before, appeared to my brother smiling, along with our Mother. It wasn't time for my brother to stay.
But, seeing his friend there, smiling, in the Light gave my brother a new hope. There are other stories of those who say they have been to Heaven and that those who do commit suicide are received by loving angels who escort them to a special place of healing. I cannot prove that, but I like the sound of it.
I looked for the incident in the newspaper the next morning and watched the local news to see if he had been identified. Nothing ever was said. I wanted to know if he was younger than he looked, and if he had a family, or if he had been ill, or....?? "The conversation rambled in my head and my heart, "Who are you? I am so sorry?" I asked the hotel concierge about this. They said that it is, sadly, not uncommon for people to jump from their very tall bridges there. They said that perhaps the authorities have decided its best not to report these tragedies on the news for many reasons.
Vancouver is one of my very favorite places to visit. It will continue to be so. The unexpected arrives in front of us all over the globe sometimes. But so does random sheer joy, sunsets that seem heavenly painted, a hug that melts our hearts... It's called Life.
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