FACING DEATH, FINDING LIFE!

One of the joys I know from people watching the You-Tube video David Sunfellow filmed of me speaking in Sedona, Arizona, are the emails that bless me with amazing stories.

A couple of days ago a dear lady sent me her story. I asked her for permission to share it with you. She said if it would help anyone she would love for me to share. I think it will.

"My story began 8 years ago.  Everyone who knew me thought of me as a strong, focused healthy, 43 years old, a woman with everything to live for.  I was a successful coach, mentor and facilitator.  I was often described as inspirational and powerful'.

Yet the woman I lived with was sad and lonely.  She struggled to let people into her world.  She focused on living and being in other people's lives.  She never spoke of her needs and rarely asked for anything for herself.  Her mother had taught her to trust no one but herself.  She was afraid to be truly seen and loved because deep in her core, she believed she was unworthy and unlovable.

She could not see the true value she'd added to people's lives and could not find it in her heart to love herself.  In fact she hated her body and rarely looked in the mirror, let alone into her own eyes.

I was working long hours at my job and in the gym.  I needed to get everything right including my body.  I was my own self improvement project.  I completely ignored how exhausted I felt,  I took no notice of my body.  I simply worked it harder.

When I started to feel light headed, confused and breathless, I thought I was stressed and experiencing panic attacks and started to listen to meditation tapes to try to overcome these feelings.  I still did not accept there was anything wrong or dare to tell anyone that I was struggling.

It all came to a head when my legs gave way under me after climbing a short flight of stairs.  I could not ignore it any longer.  I went to my doctor and thankfully he didn't think it was stress.  He sent me straight to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist was amazing.  He ran all sorts of blood tests, etc. and finally diagnosed a rare blood disorder called hemolytic autoimmune anemia.  In other words I was killing my own red blood cells.

The irony was not lost on me.  Did I hate myself so much that I had enabled my own body to turn in on itself?  It would appear so.  Well, I wasn't going to continue being so stupid!!!

I adopted the same approach as I did with everything else in my life. I am in control of this and I will overcome.  Nothing is going to beat me, not even myself!!!

I started researching and exploring how to cure this condition.  I discovered however that there wasn't a cure as such!!  I spent months in and out of the hospital, becoming sicker and sicker.  My blood count hovered around 7 and I struggled to get up in the mornings and function.  Yet I never stopped work!!  How could I? If I did I would be a failure and be giving in to myself.

I was not prepared to accept the western medical approach, so I started exploring other disciplines and came across a fabulous Chinese Herbalist who gave me an alternative perspective.  He diagnosed an internal infection.  It took months of hard work and persuasion to convince the health care professionals to explore this option.

Eventually I paid for private care and they discovered what they called a fibroid in my womb.  They decided a hysterectomy was the only solution.  They were not however prepared to connect the gynecological problems with the blood disorder.  I didn't care.  I just wanted this all over!!

When I was finally admitted into the hospital I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe.  I was exhausted and as I lay in bed the night before the operation, I decided I just couldn't go on.  I didn't have the strength to fight any longer.  I just wanted it all to end.  I was so lonely, so frightened and so desperate.  I had run out of fuel.  My energy tank was finally empty.  I started to pray for all this to end.

As I lay there quietly crying (heaven forbid I should ask someone to help) the room began to fill with light, a gentle warm light and I knew that I wasn't alone.  I had this overwhelming sense of a very tall being standing at the end of my bed.  I started to feel calmer and calmer.  For the first time in my life I allowed myself to connect to real love.  I sank down into it and allowed it to flow around me and through me.

Just at that moment the door to my room opened and the night nurse came in.  She came up to me and took hold of my hand and asked me what I needed.  She was so lovely that I just wept and wept and she comforted me and held me.  When I calmed down I asked her how she knew I needed her and she said, "You rang your buzzer dear."

As she was leaving she commented on the beautiful smell of my rose body lotion.  I didn't know how to tell her I didn't ring for her and I didn't have any rose lotion.

Throughout the night the pain grew worse and worse and yet I became calmer and calmer.  I sank below the pain, deeper and deeper into peace.  Each breath I took helped me to sink deeper and deeper into the most calm tranquil place.  For the first time in my life I felt safe and accepted and loved.  During that night I learned that no matter what, we are always safe, always!!!

When they came to take me into surgery the next morning I could hardly feel the pain.  It felt like I was being held in the most loving arms.  The smell of roses was everywhere.

As I drifted off into the anesthesia I remember feeling a real sense of relief that it would all soon be over.

When I finally came around, I was surprised to be in my body and it felt strange to feel the physical sensations of my body.  I had the strangest feeling that I had been floating way out above myself, looking down on me and the surgeons.  I remembered the operation as a film I had witnessed from somewhere else.

My husband was sitting by my bed crying.  He was holding my hand and saying, "I really thought we had lost you." He said, "You have been out of it for hours.  I just kept praying you would keep fighting like you have always fought."

He told me it had been a tough operation.  They hadn't been able to do the hysterectomy because of the huge abscess which was just hours away from rupturing and killing me.

He said that at one point during the operation my blood pressure dropped down so low that I seemed to be fading away. He also told me I had sepsis and would need to be monitored closely until I was out of danger.

I didn't know how to tell him what had happened to me.  I knew I hadn't imagined anything but I knew everyone else would tell me it was the infection and that I had been dreaming.

I did however tell him that I never want to fight myself again.  I want to learn to accept myself and love myself.  I want to live.

Up until this point I had defined myself by my drive, my passion and my ability to be a real martyr.  I had never accepted myself as a beautiful child of the universe.  For me the near death changed my life completely.  By facing death I found life.

Throughout the next few days I felt calm, peaceful and held.  I felt that I was being loved and cared for by unseen hands and hearts.  When I finally had my hysterectomy 3 months later, I healed in double quick time
and the blood disease disappeared.  Not surprising really, I didn't need it anymore. As my body healed, so did my heart and my soul.  I came back from the whole experience a very different person.  I am now confident and filled with gratitude not only for my treatment and the healing I received, but also for my life and for my brilliant amazing body and mind.

The love I was given as the gift from this time has stayed with me and I now love myself completely and am able to love others in a more open and generous way.  I meditate and connect with that Universal Love everyday of my blessed life.

Today I run a business with a wonderful man and we help businesses and organizations heal.  At the core of our business is the sentiment that it is Better Together.

I only know that it is 'better together' because I died to myself and reconnected to the wonder of everything.

With Love and Thanks,
Christina

I Am Thankful

It has been written and stated that being grateful is very good for the soul.  It tends to free up selfishness, pity for ourselves, envy, and ego...all sorts of 'demons' that dance in our heads from time to time.

It has been witnessed, and heard by me (and others as well) as I sat with many over the years the halo effect that comes upon one you are with when you see and hear and feel the power of unconditional Love in a room.

May was propped up in her hospital bed with a triangle sponge type pillow.  She couldn't breathe as well if she was lying down flat.  Her heart was weary but her spirit was still very healthy! All her creature comforts surrounded her 'nest'.  A Dutch girl handmade quilt was at the foot of the bed.  Ivory eyelet and crocheted pillow slips that she had made in the 50's covered her favorite feather pillows.  Her orange tabby cat, Whiskers, sat in her antique rocker in gingham upholstery next to the door in case he needed to make an escape when more visitors arrived.  At times he hid under the bed when the great-grands came over.

May had sent word to her congregation at the church, her quilting group, women's prayer group, family, friends, and neighbors that she was dying and if they wanted to see her while she could still talk they best be coming within the week.  And that they did.

"Why wait till I'm dressed up in that casket to pay their respects?! I'd like to see and hear them now.  Bring me a rose today, not later!  I can let them know if I need to quit talking and rest and they can just give me a smile, or give me a gentle hug."

And they were so respectful of her wishes, quietly tiptoeing into her space until she hollered the best she could, "Get on in here, I'm not gone yet.  Let's put on those Happy Goodman Family albums.  Pull up that folding chair and gather around and sing for me.

Sit here and let me tell you what you have meant to me all these years."

Some of her friends would tell me as she was visiting with others about all she had done for others in her lifetime without a proud bone in her body...simply humble and eager to make a cake, fix a pot of soup with cornbread, babysit a child after the school bus dropped them off to an empty house, visit the nursing home,...the list was endless.

I am thankful!! Thankful for all these patients, their families, their visitors, their education they have given me over the past 30 some odd years.  They reminded me that We Are One Human Family. I taught them about comfort care, medication side effects, safety measures, skin care, etc. And they taught me about Life and Death.  Oh! And that we are all precious in God's eyes.  He sees better than we do!!

What about you today? Do you know someone you need to make a call to, send a card to, go sit on the porch with them and say to them how much you appreciate them in your life? Go on, go do it!! They will be so thankful you did!!

Peace and Love to all
Becki

No Guarantees

I was on my way for my first visit with Susan.  It was her first full day being home, away from the hospital in seven months.  Her primary nurse and medical team at the hospital had requested that we "become acquainted" since we would be located closer to her for minor problems or questions.

She was not exactly the patient I wanted to visit.  I wasn't sure how I was going to emotionally deal with this one.  She was our daughter's age.  It had been predicted the night of her accident that she would never live long enough to get to a major trauma center.  But, she did.

I was sorting these thoughts and emotions around in my head and my heart as I drove to her Mom's home.  A well-groomed black and silver schnauzer answered the doorbell with barking and bouncing and dancing in circles until Susan's Mom opened the door.

"Come on in! You will have to excuse us today.  We are getting adjusted to settling down with hospital equipment, a bed, oxygen, etc. being delivered.  We only arrived home a few hours ago and there have been people coming and going, bringing food, delivering medications,...well, you know all this I'm sure.  This isn't your first rodeo.  Please forgive my rambling and come inside." She pleasantly said.

"Susan Honey, this is the nurse from the agency your doctor called about coming to see us and check on you and getting to know each other.  If you two will excuse me I need to get some linens out of the dryer for that hospital bed.  We prefer sheets that are soft and pretty.  We've had enough of that white and scratchy kind!"

So over the next hour I explained what we would be doing each visit, how we could be of assistance to Susan and her Mom, that we would check her vital signs and educate her about her medications, safety measures,...the routine introduction.  Susan smiled and nodded and was polite.  But her eyes would really light up when her little brother, about three years old, appeared in the room and would crawl up as close to her as he could to give her a kiss and then she would bend over slightly and pull him near and air kiss him too.  He behaved as if his sister had always been in a wheelchair, dancing around it and touching her ever so often to 'connect' again with an exchange of gentle hugs.

The noise level was up there with the barking, screaming back and forth of family members and visitors, and the delivery men.  I was thinking it may have been this noisy before the accident, with a not too extraordinary family full of love and life just living this time and space call Today...Now.

It's true. We aren't guaranteed with the birth certificate of our children that they will outlive us, always be healthy or happy, and become adults with the careers we'd hoped for or dreamed about.

Several weeks later Susan's Mom was visiting with me over paperwork and ice tea. "Becki, it is good to make time to rock a baby without hurrying, answer pleas for another story with a smile, go outside and play with the toddlers and not worry about when we will get the laundry done. Whether they are fighting an illness, an injury, or a heartache or even if they are fit as a fiddle, they all need to be reminded of how precious they are to us.  And that they are here with great purpose.  No one is an accident.  I'm not sure that we can hug them too much."