One of the joys I know from people watching the You-Tube video David Sunfellow filmed of me speaking in Sedona, Arizona, are the emails that bless me with amazing stories.
A couple of days ago a dear lady sent me her story. I asked her for permission to share it with you. She said if it would help anyone she would love for me to share. I think it will.
"My story began 8 years ago. Everyone who knew me thought of me as a strong, focused healthy, 43 years old, a woman with everything to live for. I was a successful coach, mentor and facilitator. I was often described as inspirational and powerful'.
Yet the woman I lived with was sad and lonely. She struggled to let people into her world. She focused on living and being in other people's lives. She never spoke of her needs and rarely asked for anything for herself. Her mother had taught her to trust no one but herself. She was afraid to be truly seen and loved because deep in her core, she believed she was unworthy and unlovable.
She could not see the true value she'd added to people's lives and could not find it in her heart to love herself. In fact she hated her body and rarely looked in the mirror, let alone into her own eyes.
I was working long hours at my job and in the gym. I needed to get everything right including my body. I was my own self improvement project. I completely ignored how exhausted I felt, I took no notice of my body. I simply worked it harder.
When I started to feel light headed, confused and breathless, I thought I was stressed and experiencing panic attacks and started to listen to meditation tapes to try to overcome these feelings. I still did not accept there was anything wrong or dare to tell anyone that I was struggling.
It all came to a head when my legs gave way under me after climbing a short flight of stairs. I could not ignore it any longer. I went to my doctor and thankfully he didn't think it was stress. He sent me straight to a cardiologist.
The cardiologist was amazing. He ran all sorts of blood tests, etc. and finally diagnosed a rare blood disorder called hemolytic autoimmune anemia. In other words I was killing my own red blood cells.
The irony was not lost on me. Did I hate myself so much that I had enabled my own body to turn in on itself? It would appear so. Well, I wasn't going to continue being so stupid!!!
I adopted the same approach as I did with everything else in my life. I am in control of this and I will overcome. Nothing is going to beat me, not even myself!!!
I started researching and exploring how to cure this condition. I discovered however that there wasn't a cure as such!! I spent months in and out of the hospital, becoming sicker and sicker. My blood count hovered around 7 and I struggled to get up in the mornings and function. Yet I never stopped work!! How could I? If I did I would be a failure and be giving in to myself.
I was not prepared to accept the western medical approach, so I started exploring other disciplines and came across a fabulous Chinese Herbalist who gave me an alternative perspective. He diagnosed an internal infection. It took months of hard work and persuasion to convince the health care professionals to explore this option.
Eventually I paid for private care and they discovered what they called a fibroid in my womb. They decided a hysterectomy was the only solution. They were not however prepared to connect the gynecological problems with the blood disorder. I didn't care. I just wanted this all over!!
When I was finally admitted into the hospital I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was exhausted and as I lay in bed the night before the operation, I decided I just couldn't go on. I didn't have the strength to fight any longer. I just wanted it all to end. I was so lonely, so frightened and so desperate. I had run out of fuel. My energy tank was finally empty. I started to pray for all this to end.
As I lay there quietly crying (heaven forbid I should ask someone to help) the room began to fill with light, a gentle warm light and I knew that I wasn't alone. I had this overwhelming sense of a very tall being standing at the end of my bed. I started to feel calmer and calmer. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to connect to real love. I sank down into it and allowed it to flow around me and through me.
Just at that moment the door to my room opened and the night nurse came in. She came up to me and took hold of my hand and asked me what I needed. She was so lovely that I just wept and wept and she comforted me and held me. When I calmed down I asked her how she knew I needed her and she said, "You rang your buzzer dear."
As she was leaving she commented on the beautiful smell of my rose body lotion. I didn't know how to tell her I didn't ring for her and I didn't have any rose lotion.
Throughout the night the pain grew worse and worse and yet I became calmer and calmer. I sank below the pain, deeper and deeper into peace. Each breath I took helped me to sink deeper and deeper into the most calm tranquil place. For the first time in my life I felt safe and accepted and loved. During that night I learned that no matter what, we are always safe, always!!!
When they came to take me into surgery the next morning I could hardly feel the pain. It felt like I was being held in the most loving arms. The smell of roses was everywhere.
As I drifted off into the anesthesia I remember feeling a real sense of relief that it would all soon be over.
When I finally came around, I was surprised to be in my body and it felt strange to feel the physical sensations of my body. I had the strangest feeling that I had been floating way out above myself, looking down on me and the surgeons. I remembered the operation as a film I had witnessed from somewhere else.
My husband was sitting by my bed crying. He was holding my hand and saying, "I really thought we had lost you." He said, "You have been out of it for hours. I just kept praying you would keep fighting like you have always fought."
He told me it had been a tough operation. They hadn't been able to do the hysterectomy because of the huge abscess which was just hours away from rupturing and killing me.
He said that at one point during the operation my blood pressure dropped down so low that I seemed to be fading away. He also told me I had sepsis and would need to be monitored closely until I was out of danger.
I didn't know how to tell him what had happened to me. I knew I hadn't imagined anything but I knew everyone else would tell me it was the infection and that I had been dreaming.
I did however tell him that I never want to fight myself again. I want to learn to accept myself and love myself. I want to live.
Up until this point I had defined myself by my drive, my passion and my ability to be a real martyr. I had never accepted myself as a beautiful child of the universe. For me the near death changed my life completely. By facing death I found life.
Throughout the next few days I felt calm, peaceful and held. I felt that I was being loved and cared for by unseen hands and hearts. When I finally had my hysterectomy 3 months later, I healed in double quick time
and the blood disease disappeared. Not surprising really, I didn't need it anymore. As my body healed, so did my heart and my soul. I came back from the whole experience a very different person. I am now confident and filled with gratitude not only for my treatment and the healing I received, but also for my life and for my brilliant amazing body and mind.
The love I was given as the gift from this time has stayed with me and I now love myself completely and am able to love others in a more open and generous way. I meditate and connect with that Universal Love everyday of my blessed life.
Today I run a business with a wonderful man and we help businesses and organizations heal. At the core of our business is the sentiment that it is Better Together.
I only know that it is 'better together' because I died to myself and reconnected to the wonder of everything.
With Love and Thanks,
Christina
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