My Brother's Keeper

I am writing this on June 23, 2014, and it is the 5th year since my brother 'transitioned' to Heaven.  I don't use the words 'died' or 'passed away' as much as I did before.  I don't believe the real us dies.  I believe we are spiritual beings who for a very short time (even if you live to be 110) are dwelling in physical bodies, clay vessels until it is time to return 'Home'.

I was the oldest of 4 children.  He was the youngest. I was born in 1951 and he was born 1956.  I wrote about some of our story and titled it, My Brother's Keeper, as the final chapter in my book, Transitions: A Nurse's Education About Life and Death.  Yes, it was the hardest chapter to write. I had kept a journal during those two previous years of his diagnosis, tests, hospital visits, chemo, radiation, his NDE a year before he transitioned, our conversations during car rides, etc.  Because I knew that one day I would have the courage to write about it. But at the time I would hurriedly post a daily entry if I had the time and close the notebook to avoid dwelling on it.  In my head it was as if there were bits and scraps of papers with all these memories floating in the air around me and falling on the floor of my consciousness with whispers of "no, not now, not yet...wait till later."

Just this morning I was remembering that morning 5 years ago.  I was staying with him at our Dad's home.  I had been spending the night with them for the previous 10 days. Daddy and I were up and down so much that night making attempts to get Jeffrey comfortable.  I was trying my best to keep him out of pain with the prescribed medications and to keep him comfortable with gently turning him from side to side when he continued to toss and turn or moan. There were moments he would seem to be settling down and breathing easier and then he would use all his strength and pull himself up.  At one point the night before he had done this and turned to me and smiled and said, "Are you a nurse? Are you staying with us?"

"Yes", I said, "I am spending the night with you. I won't leave." And with that he went back to sleep.

But this last night into the wee hours of the morning he struggled. I would whisper to him as I gently stroked his wrinkled brow, "Brother, it's OK to go. Mom will meet you. Look for the light. You are so loved, do not fear."

And then as morning arrived he simply quit the fight.

Those of you who have been there know what I mean when I say that I was filled with relief and heartbreak all in the same moment.  Relief that he wasn't suffering anymore and relief that someone else, his angels and others, on the other side were now my brother's keeper.  And yet, the letting go, the handing over his care, his protection, guiding his fight to live for especially those past 2 years was choking me in waves of tears and trying to be brave as I allowed raw grief to have her say.

I believe without a doubt we will spend much more time together some day.  I sense his presence often, not as much as in the beginning but he still checks in on me.  He still has a sense of humor.  He encourages me. He is so very happy.  And I believe also that he will be one of those in my 'welcome home' group when I make my transition!

Thank you Brother for the honor of being one of your big sisters! Today I will choose to remember the good times, the belly aching laughter, your love of animals, your curiosity about history and the universe, your pride in your daughter and the way you would light up when you got to see your grandchildren, your tenderness and your toughness, your love for your AA buddies and so much more!

You may have been the youngest of us 4 but in many ways you were the wisest!

Until we meet again!

OUR INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS

It was in the spring of the early 1990's and I was visiting a delightful spit-fire of a woman battling cancer, stage 4. I'd come to understand that each one of us decides, if possible, whether we want to keep fighting even after the doctor says it's time to switch to Hospice, focus on comfort and being with the family. I respect every one's decision even if it wouldn't be mine.  Life and death and grief are just as individual as a personality.  Suffering is very personal.

This dear soul's attitude was, "I'm not done until I'm done with my fighting."  And that was even after the doctor explained to her in the beginning of treatments that her prognosis with this aggressive cancer was poor.  She never took those words to heart. "Who does he think he is? God? Hells Bells, we'll go down fighting."

She looked like an actor that might have been on True Grit who would have competed with John Wayne's character! She had purpose in every step she took and she called all the shots!

"I am not skipping the Wednesday evening's prayer meeting just because that doctor told me that my white count isn't where it's supposed to be.  Fiddle sticks, I can't miss! There's a new minister coming to our church and I need to lay my eyes on him, put my hands on him and listen to what he has to say.  I gauge them by how firm their handshake is and I can tell by watching the way they talk if they are stretching the truth. You can see so much in the way a fella holds himself in a crowd and behind the pulpit."

I didn't argue with her.  She knew more about her blood counts and the risks involved than most.  How on earth would I have tried to stop her?!! She knew what lay ahead.

Within a few days I was visiting her at her home.  A black and white photo of her was hanging on the flowered wallpapered living room wall.  Wow! She was a beauty queen in her day!  But, especially now, to me, she was even more radiant.

"I'm at peace," she whispered to me while fighting waves of nausea. Sweet peace has come.  It's OK now."

"Shh", I said while trying to arrange sheets and blankets and pillows...anything I could think of to be nearer to her and hang on to those fleeting moments.  I really wanted her to sit up again and tell me everything.  Tell me her life story, her loves, her joys, her disappointments.

I longed for an over sized rocker so I could hold her and rock her back and forth and say, "..and then what happened?"

Her life was such a witness to so many and for so many reasons.  But it was her dying that bore witness to me.  She feared nothing. I whispered to her, "Hear the words of Paul, "...that the eyes of your heart and spirit may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope of which you have been called to by Jesus Christ, the riches of His glorious inheritance..".  She liked Paul.

"In other words dear friend, I pray you now receive glimpses of Glory as angels escort you Home.  Well done, well done."

WHICH RELIGION?

They gathered in the board room to discuss the evening's agenda. Some of the men were standing at the windows looking down 20 plus floors at the streets and the evening's traffic jams.  Some were sitting in their chairs drumming their pencils, making small talk about the weather and world wide predictions of global warming.

They were religious leaders from different backgrounds. The chairman of the board walked to the head of the table and stood behind his chair. His white hair was neatly combed and his stylish colorful tie had been pulled off and was laying across his chair.

"OK, I'll start with you Bill. What is your complaint with this young man that has created this disgruntlement within our committee?" He began as he continued to stand and pace slowly around the table.

Bill began without hesitation, "Well to start with he hasn't joined any of our congregations."

Many were nodding in agreement as the men took turns speaking out.

"And we aren't sure he even confesses he knows God the way we do." Fred joined in.

Each one stated their concerns while Samuel strolled around the room. He returned to his chair and spoke. "This is what I'd like for each of you to do, separately. I want you to follow him without him noticing you are anywhere nearby.  Observe his behavior, his connections, his purchases, where he likes to go everyday and then we will return here to discuss this further in two weeks."

Everyone agreed this was a great idea. Off they went to follow Alex.

As they had agreed they returned to the boardroom in two weeks. The chairman was sitting down in his chair this time. He began the meeting with a prayer. Then he began the questioning.

"I'd like to have each one of you state where you followed him to and what you observed. That is all. I don't want any commentary. Let's just start with the facts."

Bill: "I followed him to a nursing home. He was visiting an elderly woman who had just been admitted there, I found out, a few days before. I saw him praying with her."

Sam: "I followed him to a non-denominational ministry center and watched him help receive those who were filing inside to get some food and some clothes. He was cheerful and non-judgmental to each one and he was making the other volunteers laugh with some sharing of his life, etc."

Fred: "I followed him to a Hospice House. He went inside to visit a young man who was dying with AIDS.  He held him close, spoke without judgment, prayed with him and stayed there until that young man passed away a couple of hours later."

Jim:  "I followed him to a school where he had been invited to read to some lst graders. The book he was reading was about not bullying but accepting everyone no matter what their clothes looked like or how their bodies might be different, some perhaps with ambulatory difficulties, speech challenges, etc."

John:  "I followed him to recycle center where he was deep in trash and plastic bottles and cans and glass. He was whistling and humming some tune.  He never seemed to mind sorting through all that mess."

George:  "I followed him to a hillside overlooking the city. He seemed to be meditating. His eyes were closed and he was completely still in the same position for over 20 minutes. And after that he got up and went to an animal shelter where he volunteered walking the dogs and brushing some cats and playing with some kittens. He cleaned some of the empty pens and got fresh water for all of them."

The chairman spoke up again. "Did any of you see him in your church?"

All the men stated that he had donated some money to their churches. And one of the men said he was aware of him donating to the Chamber of Commerce, Red Cross, their local library, a group that helps with scholarships, and a place that harbors women needing a safe house to stay in for awhile. Each one also admitted that he had visited their church at least once in the past year.

The chairman began, "So, can anyone tell me what religion you think he might profess?"

The eldest of the group slowly rose to his feet. "I haven't been watching this young man just the past few days. I've been observing him ever since he arrived here after hearing him in a conversation at the coffee shop. And after listening to all of you I think I've clearly decided that the religion he follows is LOVE."

Meeting was adjourned.

THE REWARD OF WALKING

My exercise of choice is walking. I walk an hour a day if it's not raining or snowing or too windy or too hot. So I don't guess you could say I do it for my health or I'd be out there everyday! But when I do walk, I thoroughly enjoy it!

We live in a relatively small town, about 12,000, give or take. I've been here nearly all my life so I'm not a stranger to many. People who know me aren't surprised to see me stop and hug or pat a tree. I also like to visit with some residents sitting out in their yard or on their porch. I've made friends with some dogs along my path as well.

Last week I had an especially good walk. Not too windy or warm or raining gave me a spring in my step. I stopped by to visit a dear family who were gently, lovingly, sitting at vigil with a loved one who was nearing transition. I had the honor to love on them with a few hugs, a few words and some encouragement.

Not too far down the road from them I stopped by to visit a darling couple who were sitting in their driveway. The husband was sitting in his lawn chair holding one of the cutest little dogs I've ever seen. Their previous dog had just departed and so he said he went to the animal shelter and took a tour and there he was, the prettiest pup on the place. "Well, what are you doing here?" That's what he said when he saw him. Needless to say he adopted him. He is adorable! I held him as I chatted with the couple about how they were training him to not chase their chickens and not chase the neighborhood cats because they do not want him to get under a car! I'm telling you right now that if I thought I could have run fast enough, I would have snatched that darling dog up and took off. He really is that cute!! But he's in good hands and I could see how very happy they were with him.

On down and around the corner I ran into a gentleman I've known since the 1980's.  I was thrilled to see him. He's been taking some powerful chemotherapy and it was good to see him out and about.
He shared with me about his latest doctor visits and how he was progressing and then also shared how he realized that there is always someone in worse shape than we are.

I told him that I remembered when I was working in outpatient oncology there would be patients that would share those same words with me. One of my patients was rail thin, weak as a kitten, having a hard time getting her wig to stay on her head. But she was the one who went to each patient in the waiting room and would see if they needed anything, ask them how they were tolerating their treatments, and then would often share a story, a joke, and nearly always a prayer. She taught me so much about suffering.

Only about a block away from there I stopped to visit with a dog I befriended a couple of years ago. He is always happy to see me. I lean over his fence gate and rub his ears and tell him how pretty he is and he does that dog grin. His owner found him in a McDonald's parking lot, abandoned. He could tell right away that he was a very good dog to take home! Yea!! I've been given permission to bring him a toy every now and then and a little dog treat. He has the uncanny way of making me feel like the most wonderful human on Earth. But I know he acts that way about everybody!

I decided I did need to stop and hug my favorite tree and I didn't care who might question my senses! These walks are like exercise and prayer and meditation and group therapy all rolled up into one activity.

Yes, there are many sad and crazy things we hear on the nightly news. But there are also so many beautiful things happening at the same time. Let me encourage you to skip the news every now and then and take a walk in a park, or alongside a lake or pond or especially on a beach if you are blessed enough to live close to one! Take some deep breaths, marvel at the gift of a flower in bloom with a bee or dragonfly dancing in its pollen, hear the sound of a child's laughter, observe the dog's abandon of rules in running and jumping to catch a Frisbee. It's not all bad folks, not always.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

It was 1992 and I was visiting patients and their families all over the county.  I particularly enjoyed visiting these two cuties!

They were a team by every definition of the word. All day, every day, meal time, laundry days, housework days, yard work...side by side! Inseparable, that is until now.

Six months ago the doctors only allowed him to return home because he insisted, "But you won't last two weeks," they warned.

"Well that's two weeks at home instead of here.  I want to look outside my window, not yours.  I want to eat or choose not to eat my wife's cooking, not yours.  We don't have 'no visitors' signs at our home.  And the air smells better at our home.  And my pets can sleep on my bed with me! No offense to you docs and I thank you that you've been kind enough to tell me the truth. There's more opportunity for alone time for me and Marie at our house," Henry said.

Who else but his beloved Marie would refine his constant bedside care into an art form?  Together they learned and performed the necessary tasks at hand.  They knew more, much more than I did in this specialty and rarely did they need me.  But let me assure you that I was tickled pink when they asked me to come see them.

Oh my! They made me feel like a royal guest!  They demonstrated such gratitude for any instruction or suggestion or advice.

And all was well, for a while.

More than once a loved one would remind him that he had promised long ago to outlive every one of them.  He was living it up way past the two weeks the doctors had predicted.  Neighbors and family were making a steady stream through that back screen door carrying in food, flowers, stories, laughter and total respect when it came time to let them both rest.  There were more prayers prayed in that tiny house than I'd ever heard before.  He was so tolerant of so many needing to tell him what he meant to them.

"Don't you think this is better than folk waiting till I'm gone to come over here, Becki?  It's kind of like a pre-funeral.  And I get to be here for it!

Funny thing is, I was still a bit surprised when that last call came.  How long did I think he could continue to stay with us?

"Will you come over now Becki?"

Of course I would! But I could not find my professional face. My tears were blinding me as I drove in the twilight hours to be with them.  Wasn't I thankful that his silent suffering would end?  Wasn't I thankful he would be seeing Jesus soon?"

I did not know how I would speak intelligent or professional words for choking back grief's grasp on my throat!  Grief for whom? For him? Well, yes and no.

How could I grieve with the sight of peace on his face and knowing they'd had God's gift of six more precious months, knowing his silent suffering was now forever done?

No, it was more for her! The faithful one I'd witnessed so valiantly, so eagerly, so lovingly, so tirelessly, give it all she had and then some more day after day to be the best nurse he'd ever had, the best wife, the best friend.

You see, he not only made me feel special, he made everyone feel that way.

Over and over these patients reminded me. What do we want to be remembered for? A major contribution to your town? Inventing a cure for a disease? Solving world hunger? Having the highest SAT score on record?
No?

Better yet, that we may be remembered as my friend was.  Someone who loved God and loved his neighbors as himself.

Someone who made everyone feel special.