No Crystal Balls

   

Stepping from my car I was suddenly and acutely aware of the drop in temperature and the change in the wind's direction. I hurried my pace toward the now familiar farmhouse. Had it not been broad daylight the howling wind overhead in the red hackberry tree would have scared the dickens out of me.

"Poor little daffodils," I thought.  March in Oklahoma is such a Spring teaser. They'd once again been coaxed from the soil with warm sunlight just days ago and now they'd be lucky to survive.  Seems so unfair.

Once inside, mixed emotions pulsated through my mind.  Of course, I was glad to visit him, to see him.  He was one of my favorites. But not seeing him hurt like this. The dear Lord knows I never get used to this.

Sometimes we do "small talk". You know, talk 'bout the weather or such.  I try to take my cues from him. Today, he wasted no words.

"Now look here, Becki. You've been at this kind of work a few years," he said with a new seriousness.

"You see the shape I'm in. Can you give me an educated guess on how long I got?"

I threw my stethoscope in my nurse's bag.  I pulled the wooded antique chair up close to his bedside and took a deep breath.

"I guess because of what I've witnessed over the past 9 years I've learned educated guesses on "how long?" aren't worth too much, Carl. I've seen patients who I thought sure would be gone in a few days, live weeks longer; and some I thought would last months, suddenly go.  I believe it's all in the good Lord's hands and the disease process. We don't seem to be any good at calculating exact timing.

He squinted his eyes and very seriously replied, "Let's leave the good Lord out of this a minute and just tell me plain and simple how long I got. Or are you afraid of removing any hope I might have left?"

"Even the faintest of hope is worth something," I whispered. I simply had no crystal ball and I wasn't about to pretend I did.

"Why sure," he answered as he stood, heading for the dining room table. "We'll just take 'er a day at a time.  I understand what you're telling me.  If the good Lord sees fit for us to go through something like this...well, then..well, it's been like that since the beginning of time.  Sometimes people suffer. That just all there is to it.  I't just the way life is sometimes. Thanks for coming to see me today. You come back now before the week is over, you hear?"

The north wind nearly carried me from the back screen door to my car.  I was too frustrated to cry, so released it in a prayer.

"Please, please God, help us with what we can't fully understand on this earth to trust You with all that seems so very unfair and to remember You are always with us in all seasons of life."