Cleaning Closets

Something I found out while visiting patients and loved ones in my own family was that, at a point, they remove their masks, if they've been wearing one. They were less interested in putting on a face with a huge smile if they didn't feel like it.  Or if they were frightened they became less interested in trying to hide that from me as well. They became more 'real' with me without concern if I would still care about them or think less of them. The honesty was tangible, bold but not brassy.

Fred wasn't different in this respect.  As he was drawing nearer to his "passing over" (his words), he would attempt to sit up straighter in his hospital bed and command my attention.

"Say Becki, while you are working on my tired ole flesh I want to ask you something."

"Sure Fred, what's up?" I asked while trying to gently assess his 'wearing thin' skin.  I glanced his direction to see his expression. Smiling, but also with a note of seriousness, he continued, "Well, I was wondering if you ever woke up in the morning and felt bad about anything you did the day before that you wished you hadn't done.

"You know like, 'I wish I hadn't eaten those last three pieces of chocolate cake before bedtime. Or I wish I hadn't said that stupid remark to my sister when she asked me if I wanted to try some of her homemade soup with both of us knowing she can't cook!"

"Or 'I wish I could undo some of the pain I caused others in my lifetime...?"

I stopped what I was doing. I sat down next to his bed on the little gingham covered rocker his sister had put there for visitors.  Then I took one of his frail, thin hands and held it.

"Fred, there is a boatload of regrets I've spoken many mornings in my life."

"Well, Becki, it's just that lying here in this bed there are some nights I try to tell God I'm sorry. I wouldn't know how to find all the people I've offended in one way or another. But last night was a little different," he said.

"I went to sleep and I dreamed a dream that was as real as us talking right here and now.  I was asking Jesus to forgive me and then there he was.

"He said that he'd heard me and that he was aware of me saying I had so many skeletons in my closet, it must resemble a graveyard. He said, 'Fred, come look. I cleaned your closet.  You can rest now. Go back to sleep.'"What do you think about that?" he asked while looking at me with genuine concern.

"Dear Fred, I think that's the best dream anyone could ever have. Do you feel better about all those skeletons being gone?"

"I don't know if it was just a dream or one of them visions people talk about. Not sure if it's due to my cancer spreading or my pain medicine. But what I do know is that I'm not worried anymore. And between now and "then" I'm going to try not to put any more skeletons back in that closet. Hopefully my sister won't offer me anymore of her soup?"

Hanging on to an old grudge?
Nursing a resentment?
Still mad about something that happened 30 years ago?
Sorry about what you said while in a state of anger?
I have had all of these thoughts and feelings!
Advice from Fred: Give it to God!

Tell Me Something

"Tell me something", she said as she repositioned herself in her red and cream colored platform rocker

"Tell you something? What are you saying?" I asked her as I scooted the padded footstool closer to  her and sat where I felt I could hear her better and observe her facial expressions clearer and noticed the faint scent of Coco Chanel which made me smile. It was the scent of my Mother's favorite perfume.

"Well", she continued, "I already know you are a nurse, a Mother, and a Grandmother but I want to know you more. If we are going to do this death thing together I'd like for us to become better acquainted."

"Hmmm? OK. I love books and thoroughly enjoy reading. I am passionate about Mother Earth and the sky, the heavens, sunrises and sunsets and clouds and stars.  And I adore animals.  We have 2 rescue dogs at present.

I'm a vegetarian but occasionally I eat some fish, usually salmon. I love flowers and bushes that bloom in the Spring. I talk to everything: my houseplants, bugs, stars, the moon, trees (and occasionally hug them), rocks with a huge love affair with the big red rocks in Sedona, AZ.

I guess I just believe everything is alive. I collect feathers find on my walks by the lake. Is this enough info?"

"No, keep talking."

"I like music from the 40's, 50's, and 60's.  I enjoy watching old movies. I have a wild sense of humor. I don't like beets.

My heart is huge! I'm not ever going to win a cooking contest. And I can ignore dust for days!
I'm a people watcher everywhere I go: airports, restaurants, grocery stores, malls.

Because of some of my experiences with a few of my patients and some of my family members, I enjoy reading about Near Death Experiences. Jesus is my favorite Deity and I usually have an ongoing conversation with Him all day. I like where He said in Scripture that all the commandments and all the prophets books come down to this: Love God, Love One Another. I respect all religions and the gift of Religious Liberty. I'm also very fond of Mother Mary and angels.

I cherish my alone time and but I also love spending time with patients like you. Is that enough info?"

"Yes, for today."

She smiled and patted my hands.  The essence of her suddenly filled my heart. Her natural curly snow
white hair was combed to perfection and her crystal blue eyes and pale pink complexion revealed a lasting beauty her disease had not altered.

" Tomorrow, if I feel like it, I will tell you something about me. You know, Becki, everyone has a story in them.  But some people are too busy to listen.  I like you. You seem to have learned to love yourself, your authentic self. I'm tired. Come back tomorrow after lunch. Don't let my cat our when you open the door."