I was working in a Home Health/Hospice setting many years ago here in NE Oklahoma. Just let me say, never was I bored with my job as a Registered Nurse!!
It was one of those Spring mornings that I wasn't quite focusing well. Allergies? Lack of sleep? I arrived to the hospital to get my assignments and supplies while trying to locate my coffee cup and attempt to find my cheerful self. Where was she?
I half-heartedly went wandering into the supervisor's office to see where I was going. She was extremely brave taking on that position! She had to juggle clients, their families, nurses, doctors, aides, physical therapy, etc. We nodded to one another as I sought my desk to get paperwork and plan my drive and make phone calls.
I crawled in behind my steering wheel after loading my car with everything I thought I might need. I was grateful for the 40 minute drive to see the first patient. She was in her 60's and in renal failure and she was married to a darling 80 year old man who adored her and took care of her night and day. Being with them was a good way to start my day.
As I headed their direction I began to notice the daffodils, the forsythia bushes and the pink and white dogwood and redbud trees. They were flirting with the light breeze and warming sunlight. The pastures were turning green and welcomed the little Holstein calves bouncing up and down as if they had springs in their hooves. Sunbeams were slicing through the trees on the rolling hillsides. Suddenly I realized, it was the pollen that was after me! And I truly thought to myself, "I don't care! Thank God winter is over!" I could take a Sudafed when I returned home! (the old days)
I pulled my car into the yard next to the white picket fence where my patient lived. I was all charmed by the drive to get there and was fiddling with the idea of singing Oklahoma. But the song left me promptly when I caught an eyeful of my left front tire slowly deflating! Oh no!! Not here! Not now!
But to be honest, is there anywhere or anytime we do want a flat tire?!!
When I got inside their cozy cottage I asked my patient if there was a tire repair shop in the area. I thought maybe I could get it fixed while I took care of her needs and did her assessment, etc.
"Don't be silly Becki! Fred'll fix it!" She said.
"Fred", she hollered in his best ear's direction, "FRED, GO FIX BECKI'S FLAT TIRE."
"What? A flat? Who's got a flat? You, Becki? I'll fix it! I've fixed hundreds of them." He said while limping and shuffling off to the front door.
"Oh! No Sir! That's very nice but I can handle it." I said as I tried to dissuade him, fearing he'd hurt himself.
I could see visions of a newspaper headline. "Nurse kills patient's husband because of her flat tire causing him to drop dead of a massive heart attack!"
Well I was really awake now!
I pulled out the pretend spare tire, the miniature jack and that thing-a-ma-jig that pulls off your hubcaps and everything else important looking in the trunk.
First we cranked it one way, then another. Finally, I retrieved the manual from the glove box. Charlie thought this was great fun. He jumped into the front seat as I put on the emergency brake. I began bargaining with God. "Oh Lord, I know the tire can be replaced, the upholstery can be cleaned, but please don't let Fred get hurt under my car."
I pointed to the pictures in the manual showing Fred where to put the jack, then turned to locate the spare again just in time to catch Charlie peeing all over it! Oh boy! Now my hands weren't only going to be black. They would be black and wet and smelly!
Suddenly I couldn't help but laugh and as the day progressed the more humorous the event seemed. It didn't get real funny though till I got home with it all behind me. More than likely it's the last time I'll underestimate the strength of an 80 year old man or a dog's sense of humor!
Often we think we know how to prepare for the day but the older I get the more I appreciate living in the Now moment, aiming to anticipate joy and surprise, shooing away any fearful thoughts, enjoying laughing at myself!
What did my patients teach me? Plenty! Life is not a check list! Enjoy your day dear friends! And pet a dog! Stay healthy and strong because you might need to help an old lady that looks just like me with a flat tire!
Take a look at my website
www.ladyhawkpublishing.com
My book is available there along with the e-book.
Transitions: A Nurse's Education about Life and Death
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
WAITING
I have the opportunity to sit in waiting rooms with friends or family from time to time. Waiting for surgery, doctor appointments, lab work, etc. Actually, waiting rooms are very interesting places to sit and people watch if you aren't bound up with tension awaiting worrisome test results.
One time I was sitting in a waiting room while a friend was having surgery. I usually take a book but this particular visit I decided to just observe, be present.
One fellow seemed to have decided to just chew his wait out. He'd retrieved one of those red stir sticks from a 'cup of coffee' center and was walloring it all around his mouth, working his jaws out big time. His cowboy boots still had some fresh Spring mud mixture on them. He must have been out in the pasture before bringing his Mom for surgery. I surmised the elderly gentleman cowboy next to him was his Dad. He sat perfectly still with his weathered hands in his lap. It wasn't hard to see that he was very deep in thought.
A couple of ladies wearing matching sweat suits: one red, one blue, were trying to knit and cross-stitch and embroidery during their lengthy stay. They only glanced up if they were disturbed by more waiting folk crowding into the tight space of metal/vinyl orange chairs or if the voice on the inner com spoke. I think the one in red was knitting a 12 foot long purple (mixed with pink) scarf. It went on and on. The dear one in blue had put her own project in the quilted bag at her feet and helped her friend by holding the fuzzy yarn in her two outstretched hands. They chatted in hushed tones about people needing prayer in their church.
A family looking unit huddled in a couch area. Grandpa bounced a six month old on his knee. Brother put on his earphones and held his Gameboy close. He made faces twisting his mouth and chewing on his tongue as he was battling no telling what! Grandma folded her pale chubby, short arms across her ample breasts and glared and frowned at the television overhead. There was one of those wild tell-all talk shows on and they had forgot to censor some of it!
Waiting is tough business. We are an instant society, automatic, 'hurry-up and do it', nation. Frozen dinner on TV trays with instant coffee and microwave popcorn are not that uncommon. We don't want to wait in line at the grocery store or Wal-Mart, the post office, the bank or McDonald's. We honk our horns if the person in front of us at a changed light is slow to move. So, naturally we are impatient with hospital sitting as well.
We wait to get an appointment with our doctor, wait to see the doctor when we get there, wait to get the blood tests, or X-rays, to get our prescription filled and then to get our test results, perhaps a surgery date, then another doctor's appointment or paper work filled out before the referred surgeon will see us. It is just the way it is. None of the doctors or their employees want us to wait any more than we do.
Years ago one of my chemotherapy patients told me that he'd learned so much from waiting rooms.
"Ya know, Becki, waiting's good for us. Rushing around is not. You see, I have been in a hurry for many years, thinking my time was more important than anyone else's. I was highly insulted if anyone ever made me wait. Didn't they know how important I was? Did they realize how high up the ladder I'd climbed in my company? Weren't they aware that I now had my own company?
But, it all ticks by the same. If you are in charge of folding sheets in a nursing home or owning a nursing home, when it's all said and done, we are the same. I'm not so all fired up and important anymore. Look around you. You think your time is more precious than the homeless man's time in that corner is?
I like that verse in the Bible where it says, "Teach us to number our days." There's wisdom in that. Too many hurrying for tomorrow when tomorrow may never be ours. Better enjoy the moments, better take some deep breaths and slow down a mite. Who are we going to show love to this day? Who are we going to thank today?
Neighbors don't sit out on the porch like they used to when I was a kid. Guess these oncology waiting rooms have given me a new perspective. Waiting has her purpose. We shouldn't despise her."
One time I was sitting in a waiting room while a friend was having surgery. I usually take a book but this particular visit I decided to just observe, be present.
One fellow seemed to have decided to just chew his wait out. He'd retrieved one of those red stir sticks from a 'cup of coffee' center and was walloring it all around his mouth, working his jaws out big time. His cowboy boots still had some fresh Spring mud mixture on them. He must have been out in the pasture before bringing his Mom for surgery. I surmised the elderly gentleman cowboy next to him was his Dad. He sat perfectly still with his weathered hands in his lap. It wasn't hard to see that he was very deep in thought.
A couple of ladies wearing matching sweat suits: one red, one blue, were trying to knit and cross-stitch and embroidery during their lengthy stay. They only glanced up if they were disturbed by more waiting folk crowding into the tight space of metal/vinyl orange chairs or if the voice on the inner com spoke. I think the one in red was knitting a 12 foot long purple (mixed with pink) scarf. It went on and on. The dear one in blue had put her own project in the quilted bag at her feet and helped her friend by holding the fuzzy yarn in her two outstretched hands. They chatted in hushed tones about people needing prayer in their church.
A family looking unit huddled in a couch area. Grandpa bounced a six month old on his knee. Brother put on his earphones and held his Gameboy close. He made faces twisting his mouth and chewing on his tongue as he was battling no telling what! Grandma folded her pale chubby, short arms across her ample breasts and glared and frowned at the television overhead. There was one of those wild tell-all talk shows on and they had forgot to censor some of it!
Waiting is tough business. We are an instant society, automatic, 'hurry-up and do it', nation. Frozen dinner on TV trays with instant coffee and microwave popcorn are not that uncommon. We don't want to wait in line at the grocery store or Wal-Mart, the post office, the bank or McDonald's. We honk our horns if the person in front of us at a changed light is slow to move. So, naturally we are impatient with hospital sitting as well.
We wait to get an appointment with our doctor, wait to see the doctor when we get there, wait to get the blood tests, or X-rays, to get our prescription filled and then to get our test results, perhaps a surgery date, then another doctor's appointment or paper work filled out before the referred surgeon will see us. It is just the way it is. None of the doctors or their employees want us to wait any more than we do.
Years ago one of my chemotherapy patients told me that he'd learned so much from waiting rooms.
"Ya know, Becki, waiting's good for us. Rushing around is not. You see, I have been in a hurry for many years, thinking my time was more important than anyone else's. I was highly insulted if anyone ever made me wait. Didn't they know how important I was? Did they realize how high up the ladder I'd climbed in my company? Weren't they aware that I now had my own company?
But, it all ticks by the same. If you are in charge of folding sheets in a nursing home or owning a nursing home, when it's all said and done, we are the same. I'm not so all fired up and important anymore. Look around you. You think your time is more precious than the homeless man's time in that corner is?
I like that verse in the Bible where it says, "Teach us to number our days." There's wisdom in that. Too many hurrying for tomorrow when tomorrow may never be ours. Better enjoy the moments, better take some deep breaths and slow down a mite. Who are we going to show love to this day? Who are we going to thank today?
Neighbors don't sit out on the porch like they used to when I was a kid. Guess these oncology waiting rooms have given me a new perspective. Waiting has her purpose. We shouldn't despise her."
Monday, March 17, 2014
In The Midst of it All
I feel honored when I'm invited to visit, or they respond to my request to visit, a friend or family member who has been diagnosed and living with a challenging disease.
I've known Vicki for years. She has been involved in community service for several years here in our hometown of Pryor, Oklahoma. She has the heart of a saint and a healthy sense of humor and courage beyond compare.
Vicki was diagnosed with ALS, Lou-Gehrig's Disease, a few years ago and now requires around the clock supervision to assist with many activities of daily living. Introduction of star #2, her daughter Barbara.
Vicki was sitting in her fancy, fantastic wheelchair with her sweet puppy of 13? years, Rosie. Once Rosie knew I meant no harm to Vicki, she allowed me to sit and visit.
Due to the progression of the disease, Vicki has a very limited use of her extremities. She needs help if her nose itches, or she needs a drink of water, or eating, bathing, etc. She and Barbara are educated on the disease prognosis and yet...in the midst of it all they are spending a good deal of the time with me laughing and telling stories. It is very clear the bond between them is golden.
Barbara's saint of a husband insisted that she stay with her Mom several days a week, sharing the responsibility with her brother and sister-n-law. And after listening to Barbara, it's a family of sainthood.
Vicki voices frustration with the 24-7 need she has stating she feels so guilty that Barbara has to spend so much time taking care of her. Yes, Home Health/Hospice does help, and Vicki has nothing but praise for them, but that is limited care. They can't stay 24-7.
Barbara is quick to reply, "Mom, you would do it for me. And in fact you did as a Mother raising me. You took care of it all and I never heard you complain about it. Now it's my turn to help you."
Ask anyone in these medical dilemmas where you are searching for assistance and you will hear the stories of frustration. But Barbara did mention that not that many generations ago we all took care of our own. Grandma and Grandpa Walton lived with John Boy's parents and his family. It's not that common now. Thank goodness for Home Health, Hospice, great nursing home facilities, or extended care facilities. And I must say I've visited some of the finest with a most dedicated staff. We just never know. It could be you or me anytime.
So what is helpful? If you have a friend or relative who does need assistance and you just don't know what to do to help, ask them or ask the family. Maybe they need: leaves raked and bagged, snow shoveled, the car washed, a gift certificate to the grocery store, a Visa gift card for expenses that insurance doesn't help with, occasional flower delivery, laundry folded, etc. Just try to think what you might need if the tables were turned.
I hope to visit Vicki and Barbara often. They blessed me tremendously the other day with their stories, their laughter, a few tears, and some very honest conversation about Life!
They can always use your prayers too! Never underestimate the value of a prayer!
I've known Vicki for years. She has been involved in community service for several years here in our hometown of Pryor, Oklahoma. She has the heart of a saint and a healthy sense of humor and courage beyond compare.
Vicki was diagnosed with ALS, Lou-Gehrig's Disease, a few years ago and now requires around the clock supervision to assist with many activities of daily living. Introduction of star #2, her daughter Barbara.
Vicki was sitting in her fancy, fantastic wheelchair with her sweet puppy of 13? years, Rosie. Once Rosie knew I meant no harm to Vicki, she allowed me to sit and visit.
Due to the progression of the disease, Vicki has a very limited use of her extremities. She needs help if her nose itches, or she needs a drink of water, or eating, bathing, etc. She and Barbara are educated on the disease prognosis and yet...in the midst of it all they are spending a good deal of the time with me laughing and telling stories. It is very clear the bond between them is golden.
Barbara's saint of a husband insisted that she stay with her Mom several days a week, sharing the responsibility with her brother and sister-n-law. And after listening to Barbara, it's a family of sainthood.
Vicki voices frustration with the 24-7 need she has stating she feels so guilty that Barbara has to spend so much time taking care of her. Yes, Home Health/Hospice does help, and Vicki has nothing but praise for them, but that is limited care. They can't stay 24-7.
Barbara is quick to reply, "Mom, you would do it for me. And in fact you did as a Mother raising me. You took care of it all and I never heard you complain about it. Now it's my turn to help you."
Ask anyone in these medical dilemmas where you are searching for assistance and you will hear the stories of frustration. But Barbara did mention that not that many generations ago we all took care of our own. Grandma and Grandpa Walton lived with John Boy's parents and his family. It's not that common now. Thank goodness for Home Health, Hospice, great nursing home facilities, or extended care facilities. And I must say I've visited some of the finest with a most dedicated staff. We just never know. It could be you or me anytime.
So what is helpful? If you have a friend or relative who does need assistance and you just don't know what to do to help, ask them or ask the family. Maybe they need: leaves raked and bagged, snow shoveled, the car washed, a gift certificate to the grocery store, a Visa gift card for expenses that insurance doesn't help with, occasional flower delivery, laundry folded, etc. Just try to think what you might need if the tables were turned.
I hope to visit Vicki and Barbara often. They blessed me tremendously the other day with their stories, their laughter, a few tears, and some very honest conversation about Life!
They can always use your prayers too! Never underestimate the value of a prayer!
Monday, March 10, 2014
A SHARED DEATH EXPERIENCE
A dear woman sent me an email via my website this weekend. She wanted to share the things she saw and heard in the room where her husband died. Of course I was blessed to receive it. I asked her if I might share this with others and she agreed, "Surely you may use the story. I believe all gifts from God should be shared. He gave me this for a reason. Not just for me but everyone, so they may believe."
Dear Becki,
My first husband was a mechanic for the police and fire department. He was working on a stuck ladder and fell. This caused a tumor in his lung. Months went by and he coughed a lot, so I insisted he see a doctor. We went to the hospital and had all the tests. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be something simple like a cold. He was diagnosed with large cell carcinoma, lung cancer. They could not operate because it had already moved into the chest cavity. They put him through radiation treatments for a month to see if the tumor would shrink. It did not. He went to the hospital on March 11, 1985. This was also the anniversary of his brother's death. I felt so strange about that. In April he was in the hospital again for about 14 days, and again in June for about 21 days. This time he didn't come home. He passed away just after our 18th anniversary on June 24th.
He was very worried that day and I told him I would stay with him all night and as long as he wanted me to. They just couldn't keep the fluid drained out of his lungs. The doctor told me earlier that evening that he was dying. About 9:30 pm the nurse came in and put the oxygen mask on him because the tube under his nose wasn't giving him all that he needed. I tried to lay down on the chair, but he had to keep his hand on me. I tried to hold his hand but it was so hard to do I just got up and sat on the bed. He would look out the window and then back at me. He looked so scared. About 3 am I asked him if he was looking for the sun to come up and he nodded yes. I told him not to worry that it would be up soon and he would feel so much better. Besides I wan't going anywhere. And I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. This was the last thing I said to him.
I had prayed that God would help me do what I needed to do, and that he would give me something to hang onto so I would know if I did right. After all I had a 14 and a 16 year old boys at home with my mother.
About 3:30 am I was still sitting on the bed looking at him and NEVER have I ever been in such peace. There was a green veil between us. It laid across my arms and my lap and went all the way to the ceiling. I wondered what it could be. It sparkled like diamonds bursting in the sun. I thought, "This looks like something from Disney Land." But green? I saw him through the veil and heard what sounded like straining. But it seemed OK, I though oh..he is trying to keep from coughing. His eyes were closed and his head tilted on the pillow.
There seemed to be tremendous figures in the room at each side of the bed and the music...not audible to the ear but heard inside. It was like I have never heard before and I have written music before and played music since the age of 5. This music was so beautiful and so soft but bold all at the same time. Then the veil started to lift from between us. The peace I felt started to leave. The higher the veil the more panic I felt. By this time I could see him clearly without any obstruction. I jumped from the bed and at the door I yelled for the nurse. When I looked back at him his head was straight on the pillow and he was looking at the top of the wall. BUT...I saw a golden glow encircling his head and chest as if there was a spot light on him. I said to myself and the nurse when she came in, "Where is that light coming from?" If only I had turned around and looked where he was looking. There was no light in the room before. Standing at the foot of the bed my knees felt weak and I had to kneel. The nurse helped me to the hall, but again I went to my knees. Not feeling faint but knowing you might not be able to stand in the presence of God. They took me to the nurses' station and asked the normal questions about respirators and life support. I told them to do anything they must to make him comfortable. They were not going to keep him any longer than God wanted him to stay.
The only thing I can figure is that God knew He had to do something to keep me still so I wouldn't screw it up trying to help. So he put me in the state of peace and ecstasy while He did what He had to do. After it was finished He let me loose so I could do something so that I could feel useful, and keep my word to my husband.
Please share this great story in your circles!! Many thanks!!
Dear Becki,
My first husband was a mechanic for the police and fire department. He was working on a stuck ladder and fell. This caused a tumor in his lung. Months went by and he coughed a lot, so I insisted he see a doctor. We went to the hospital and had all the tests. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be something simple like a cold. He was diagnosed with large cell carcinoma, lung cancer. They could not operate because it had already moved into the chest cavity. They put him through radiation treatments for a month to see if the tumor would shrink. It did not. He went to the hospital on March 11, 1985. This was also the anniversary of his brother's death. I felt so strange about that. In April he was in the hospital again for about 14 days, and again in June for about 21 days. This time he didn't come home. He passed away just after our 18th anniversary on June 24th.
He was very worried that day and I told him I would stay with him all night and as long as he wanted me to. They just couldn't keep the fluid drained out of his lungs. The doctor told me earlier that evening that he was dying. About 9:30 pm the nurse came in and put the oxygen mask on him because the tube under his nose wasn't giving him all that he needed. I tried to lay down on the chair, but he had to keep his hand on me. I tried to hold his hand but it was so hard to do I just got up and sat on the bed. He would look out the window and then back at me. He looked so scared. About 3 am I asked him if he was looking for the sun to come up and he nodded yes. I told him not to worry that it would be up soon and he would feel so much better. Besides I wan't going anywhere. And I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. This was the last thing I said to him.
I had prayed that God would help me do what I needed to do, and that he would give me something to hang onto so I would know if I did right. After all I had a 14 and a 16 year old boys at home with my mother.
About 3:30 am I was still sitting on the bed looking at him and NEVER have I ever been in such peace. There was a green veil between us. It laid across my arms and my lap and went all the way to the ceiling. I wondered what it could be. It sparkled like diamonds bursting in the sun. I thought, "This looks like something from Disney Land." But green? I saw him through the veil and heard what sounded like straining. But it seemed OK, I though oh..he is trying to keep from coughing. His eyes were closed and his head tilted on the pillow.
There seemed to be tremendous figures in the room at each side of the bed and the music...not audible to the ear but heard inside. It was like I have never heard before and I have written music before and played music since the age of 5. This music was so beautiful and so soft but bold all at the same time. Then the veil started to lift from between us. The peace I felt started to leave. The higher the veil the more panic I felt. By this time I could see him clearly without any obstruction. I jumped from the bed and at the door I yelled for the nurse. When I looked back at him his head was straight on the pillow and he was looking at the top of the wall. BUT...I saw a golden glow encircling his head and chest as if there was a spot light on him. I said to myself and the nurse when she came in, "Where is that light coming from?" If only I had turned around and looked where he was looking. There was no light in the room before. Standing at the foot of the bed my knees felt weak and I had to kneel. The nurse helped me to the hall, but again I went to my knees. Not feeling faint but knowing you might not be able to stand in the presence of God. They took me to the nurses' station and asked the normal questions about respirators and life support. I told them to do anything they must to make him comfortable. They were not going to keep him any longer than God wanted him to stay.
The only thing I can figure is that God knew He had to do something to keep me still so I wouldn't screw it up trying to help. So he put me in the state of peace and ecstasy while He did what He had to do. After it was finished He let me loose so I could do something so that I could feel useful, and keep my word to my husband.
Please share this great story in your circles!! Many thanks!!
Monday, March 3, 2014
FACING DEATH, FINDING LIFE!
One of the joys I know from people watching the You-Tube video David Sunfellow filmed of me speaking in Sedona, Arizona, are the emails that bless me with amazing stories.
A couple of days ago a dear lady sent me her story. I asked her for permission to share it with you. She said if it would help anyone she would love for me to share. I think it will.
"My story began 8 years ago. Everyone who knew me thought of me as a strong, focused healthy, 43 years old, a woman with everything to live for. I was a successful coach, mentor and facilitator. I was often described as inspirational and powerful'.
Yet the woman I lived with was sad and lonely. She struggled to let people into her world. She focused on living and being in other people's lives. She never spoke of her needs and rarely asked for anything for herself. Her mother had taught her to trust no one but herself. She was afraid to be truly seen and loved because deep in her core, she believed she was unworthy and unlovable.
She could not see the true value she'd added to people's lives and could not find it in her heart to love herself. In fact she hated her body and rarely looked in the mirror, let alone into her own eyes.
I was working long hours at my job and in the gym. I needed to get everything right including my body. I was my own self improvement project. I completely ignored how exhausted I felt, I took no notice of my body. I simply worked it harder.
When I started to feel light headed, confused and breathless, I thought I was stressed and experiencing panic attacks and started to listen to meditation tapes to try to overcome these feelings. I still did not accept there was anything wrong or dare to tell anyone that I was struggling.
It all came to a head when my legs gave way under me after climbing a short flight of stairs. I could not ignore it any longer. I went to my doctor and thankfully he didn't think it was stress. He sent me straight to a cardiologist.
The cardiologist was amazing. He ran all sorts of blood tests, etc. and finally diagnosed a rare blood disorder called hemolytic autoimmune anemia. In other words I was killing my own red blood cells.
The irony was not lost on me. Did I hate myself so much that I had enabled my own body to turn in on itself? It would appear so. Well, I wasn't going to continue being so stupid!!!
I adopted the same approach as I did with everything else in my life. I am in control of this and I will overcome. Nothing is going to beat me, not even myself!!!
I started researching and exploring how to cure this condition. I discovered however that there wasn't a cure as such!! I spent months in and out of the hospital, becoming sicker and sicker. My blood count hovered around 7 and I struggled to get up in the mornings and function. Yet I never stopped work!! How could I? If I did I would be a failure and be giving in to myself.
I was not prepared to accept the western medical approach, so I started exploring other disciplines and came across a fabulous Chinese Herbalist who gave me an alternative perspective. He diagnosed an internal infection. It took months of hard work and persuasion to convince the health care professionals to explore this option.
Eventually I paid for private care and they discovered what they called a fibroid in my womb. They decided a hysterectomy was the only solution. They were not however prepared to connect the gynecological problems with the blood disorder. I didn't care. I just wanted this all over!!
When I was finally admitted into the hospital I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was exhausted and as I lay in bed the night before the operation, I decided I just couldn't go on. I didn't have the strength to fight any longer. I just wanted it all to end. I was so lonely, so frightened and so desperate. I had run out of fuel. My energy tank was finally empty. I started to pray for all this to end.
As I lay there quietly crying (heaven forbid I should ask someone to help) the room began to fill with light, a gentle warm light and I knew that I wasn't alone. I had this overwhelming sense of a very tall being standing at the end of my bed. I started to feel calmer and calmer. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to connect to real love. I sank down into it and allowed it to flow around me and through me.
Just at that moment the door to my room opened and the night nurse came in. She came up to me and took hold of my hand and asked me what I needed. She was so lovely that I just wept and wept and she comforted me and held me. When I calmed down I asked her how she knew I needed her and she said, "You rang your buzzer dear."
As she was leaving she commented on the beautiful smell of my rose body lotion. I didn't know how to tell her I didn't ring for her and I didn't have any rose lotion.
Throughout the night the pain grew worse and worse and yet I became calmer and calmer. I sank below the pain, deeper and deeper into peace. Each breath I took helped me to sink deeper and deeper into the most calm tranquil place. For the first time in my life I felt safe and accepted and loved. During that night I learned that no matter what, we are always safe, always!!!
When they came to take me into surgery the next morning I could hardly feel the pain. It felt like I was being held in the most loving arms. The smell of roses was everywhere.
As I drifted off into the anesthesia I remember feeling a real sense of relief that it would all soon be over.
When I finally came around, I was surprised to be in my body and it felt strange to feel the physical sensations of my body. I had the strangest feeling that I had been floating way out above myself, looking down on me and the surgeons. I remembered the operation as a film I had witnessed from somewhere else.
My husband was sitting by my bed crying. He was holding my hand and saying, "I really thought we had lost you." He said, "You have been out of it for hours. I just kept praying you would keep fighting like you have always fought."
He told me it had been a tough operation. They hadn't been able to do the hysterectomy because of the huge abscess which was just hours away from rupturing and killing me.
He said that at one point during the operation my blood pressure dropped down so low that I seemed to be fading away. He also told me I had sepsis and would need to be monitored closely until I was out of danger.
I didn't know how to tell him what had happened to me. I knew I hadn't imagined anything but I knew everyone else would tell me it was the infection and that I had been dreaming.
I did however tell him that I never want to fight myself again. I want to learn to accept myself and love myself. I want to live.
Up until this point I had defined myself by my drive, my passion and my ability to be a real martyr. I had never accepted myself as a beautiful child of the universe. For me the near death changed my life completely. By facing death I found life.
Throughout the next few days I felt calm, peaceful and held. I felt that I was being loved and cared for by unseen hands and hearts. When I finally had my hysterectomy 3 months later, I healed in double quick time
and the blood disease disappeared. Not surprising really, I didn't need it anymore. As my body healed, so did my heart and my soul. I came back from the whole experience a very different person. I am now confident and filled with gratitude not only for my treatment and the healing I received, but also for my life and for my brilliant amazing body and mind.
The love I was given as the gift from this time has stayed with me and I now love myself completely and am able to love others in a more open and generous way. I meditate and connect with that Universal Love everyday of my blessed life.
Today I run a business with a wonderful man and we help businesses and organizations heal. At the core of our business is the sentiment that it is Better Together.
I only know that it is 'better together' because I died to myself and reconnected to the wonder of everything.
With Love and Thanks,
Christina
A couple of days ago a dear lady sent me her story. I asked her for permission to share it with you. She said if it would help anyone she would love for me to share. I think it will.
"My story began 8 years ago. Everyone who knew me thought of me as a strong, focused healthy, 43 years old, a woman with everything to live for. I was a successful coach, mentor and facilitator. I was often described as inspirational and powerful'.
Yet the woman I lived with was sad and lonely. She struggled to let people into her world. She focused on living and being in other people's lives. She never spoke of her needs and rarely asked for anything for herself. Her mother had taught her to trust no one but herself. She was afraid to be truly seen and loved because deep in her core, she believed she was unworthy and unlovable.
She could not see the true value she'd added to people's lives and could not find it in her heart to love herself. In fact she hated her body and rarely looked in the mirror, let alone into her own eyes.
I was working long hours at my job and in the gym. I needed to get everything right including my body. I was my own self improvement project. I completely ignored how exhausted I felt, I took no notice of my body. I simply worked it harder.
When I started to feel light headed, confused and breathless, I thought I was stressed and experiencing panic attacks and started to listen to meditation tapes to try to overcome these feelings. I still did not accept there was anything wrong or dare to tell anyone that I was struggling.
It all came to a head when my legs gave way under me after climbing a short flight of stairs. I could not ignore it any longer. I went to my doctor and thankfully he didn't think it was stress. He sent me straight to a cardiologist.
The cardiologist was amazing. He ran all sorts of blood tests, etc. and finally diagnosed a rare blood disorder called hemolytic autoimmune anemia. In other words I was killing my own red blood cells.
The irony was not lost on me. Did I hate myself so much that I had enabled my own body to turn in on itself? It would appear so. Well, I wasn't going to continue being so stupid!!!
I adopted the same approach as I did with everything else in my life. I am in control of this and I will overcome. Nothing is going to beat me, not even myself!!!
I started researching and exploring how to cure this condition. I discovered however that there wasn't a cure as such!! I spent months in and out of the hospital, becoming sicker and sicker. My blood count hovered around 7 and I struggled to get up in the mornings and function. Yet I never stopped work!! How could I? If I did I would be a failure and be giving in to myself.
I was not prepared to accept the western medical approach, so I started exploring other disciplines and came across a fabulous Chinese Herbalist who gave me an alternative perspective. He diagnosed an internal infection. It took months of hard work and persuasion to convince the health care professionals to explore this option.
Eventually I paid for private care and they discovered what they called a fibroid in my womb. They decided a hysterectomy was the only solution. They were not however prepared to connect the gynecological problems with the blood disorder. I didn't care. I just wanted this all over!!
When I was finally admitted into the hospital I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was exhausted and as I lay in bed the night before the operation, I decided I just couldn't go on. I didn't have the strength to fight any longer. I just wanted it all to end. I was so lonely, so frightened and so desperate. I had run out of fuel. My energy tank was finally empty. I started to pray for all this to end.
As I lay there quietly crying (heaven forbid I should ask someone to help) the room began to fill with light, a gentle warm light and I knew that I wasn't alone. I had this overwhelming sense of a very tall being standing at the end of my bed. I started to feel calmer and calmer. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to connect to real love. I sank down into it and allowed it to flow around me and through me.
Just at that moment the door to my room opened and the night nurse came in. She came up to me and took hold of my hand and asked me what I needed. She was so lovely that I just wept and wept and she comforted me and held me. When I calmed down I asked her how she knew I needed her and she said, "You rang your buzzer dear."
As she was leaving she commented on the beautiful smell of my rose body lotion. I didn't know how to tell her I didn't ring for her and I didn't have any rose lotion.
Throughout the night the pain grew worse and worse and yet I became calmer and calmer. I sank below the pain, deeper and deeper into peace. Each breath I took helped me to sink deeper and deeper into the most calm tranquil place. For the first time in my life I felt safe and accepted and loved. During that night I learned that no matter what, we are always safe, always!!!
When they came to take me into surgery the next morning I could hardly feel the pain. It felt like I was being held in the most loving arms. The smell of roses was everywhere.
As I drifted off into the anesthesia I remember feeling a real sense of relief that it would all soon be over.
When I finally came around, I was surprised to be in my body and it felt strange to feel the physical sensations of my body. I had the strangest feeling that I had been floating way out above myself, looking down on me and the surgeons. I remembered the operation as a film I had witnessed from somewhere else.
My husband was sitting by my bed crying. He was holding my hand and saying, "I really thought we had lost you." He said, "You have been out of it for hours. I just kept praying you would keep fighting like you have always fought."
He told me it had been a tough operation. They hadn't been able to do the hysterectomy because of the huge abscess which was just hours away from rupturing and killing me.
He said that at one point during the operation my blood pressure dropped down so low that I seemed to be fading away. He also told me I had sepsis and would need to be monitored closely until I was out of danger.
I didn't know how to tell him what had happened to me. I knew I hadn't imagined anything but I knew everyone else would tell me it was the infection and that I had been dreaming.
I did however tell him that I never want to fight myself again. I want to learn to accept myself and love myself. I want to live.
Up until this point I had defined myself by my drive, my passion and my ability to be a real martyr. I had never accepted myself as a beautiful child of the universe. For me the near death changed my life completely. By facing death I found life.
Throughout the next few days I felt calm, peaceful and held. I felt that I was being loved and cared for by unseen hands and hearts. When I finally had my hysterectomy 3 months later, I healed in double quick time
and the blood disease disappeared. Not surprising really, I didn't need it anymore. As my body healed, so did my heart and my soul. I came back from the whole experience a very different person. I am now confident and filled with gratitude not only for my treatment and the healing I received, but also for my life and for my brilliant amazing body and mind.
The love I was given as the gift from this time has stayed with me and I now love myself completely and am able to love others in a more open and generous way. I meditate and connect with that Universal Love everyday of my blessed life.
Today I run a business with a wonderful man and we help businesses and organizations heal. At the core of our business is the sentiment that it is Better Together.
I only know that it is 'better together' because I died to myself and reconnected to the wonder of everything.
With Love and Thanks,
Christina
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